Horsing around

RACING aficionados will be aware this is the final day of the Cheltenham Festival. The ever-generous Diary has decided to help our readers become disgustingly wealthy by advising them which horses to back.

Our top tipster, and man in the paddock, is Sandy Tuckerman, who learned Horsish, the language spoken by all educated equines, while the rest of our readers were boning up on Latin. (See next story.)

Here’s the advice Sandy obtained from the gossiping gee-gees regarding who will be crossing the finishing line first…

1:30 Leaky Tap - Though only if it’s running.

2:10 Foundation - You can put your house on it.

2:30 Creosote - Great over fences.

2:50 V Neck - A terrific jumper.

3:10 Ironing Board - You can put your shirt on it.

3:30 Dusty Rug - Never been beaten.

More loopy Latin

AS promised, we continue investigating the obscure corners of the Latin language. John Shedden from Perth was taught by a Latin teacher at Gourock High in 1958, who assured the class that the august language included the phrase: “Pitra per errum affrabus.”

Shove your love

A DIARY tale about folk who loath being lovey-dovey reminds a reader of two women he once worked with who were rumoured to be rather cold when it came to romance.

Not because of anything they said or did.

Nobody ever discovered how Wilma Wilney and Nora Night got saddled with such reputations.

Thinking about thinking

MEDICALLY minded Sid Leslie from Kirkintilloch points out that the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body while the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body.

Our reader adds: “Left-handers can take comfort from being the only people in their right minds.”

Rocking stocking

WE’RE devising advertising jingles, based on famous songs, to promote local businesses once lockdown ends. John Mulholland suggests the neighbourhood hosiery shop would receive a boost with the help of a classic Queen number… We Will Sock You.

Tourist trap

NIFTY nicknames continued. Former policeman David Russell, from Penicuik, had a colleague who was cruelly referred to as ‘Wobble You’ because he couldn’t pronounce the letter R.

American tourists seeking guidance to Hollywood Road (which was actually Holyrood Road) were informed by this chap: “It’s not Hollywood, it’s Holywood.”

Cue confused tourists.

Rock and hard place

A PHILOSOPHICAL thought from reader Colin Jarvis, who points out: “Intentionally losing a game of ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ is just as hard as trying to win.”