Charity chastised

IT’S often said that no good deed goes unpunished. How true. An employee of reader David Donaldson once told him about a kindly couple who were passing a social club and found a man lying on the pavement looking very much the worse for drink. His speech was incoherent so they searched his pockets, found his home address, and got him into a taxi.

With a great deal of effort they half-dragged the poor man to his house and rang the bell. A formidable Glasgow matron opened the door and stared at them, before growling: "Where's his ****ing wheelchair?”

Direct mail

THE Diary is celebrating our nation’s magnificent postal service and its ability to deliver mail, no matter the challenges faced.

Eric Simmons from Edinburgh used to practice as a solicitor in Dunbar and once received a letter addressed to "The Lawyer, Dunbar."

“As there were two other legal firms in the town, I took that as a compliment,” chuckles Eric.

Monkey business

WE recently broke the sad news that the chap who invented auto correct has died. Reader Katherine Hutchison has more details: “My grandson, Struan, informs me that the funfair is next Monkey.”

A fridge too far

OUR readers are supplying us with tales of love in a cold climate. In other words, amore in Ecosse.

Russell Smith once overheard a chap discussing a romantic encounter.

“Ah wouldnae say she was cold,” said this fellow. “But when she opened her mooth a light came on.”

Lettuce in love

THE Diary recently described a conversation between two girls who were discussing vegetables while seated on a bus. (For some unfathomable reason this world exclusive has yet to be reported by our competitors in the media.)

The tale reminds Jennifer Semple from Uddingston of a Scottish chum, married to a Spaniard and living in Spain, who attempted to teach English to her three-year-old daughter.

Using pictures in a Ladybird book, this lady came to the page showing a cabbage. Asked what it was, her frustrated child replied (in Spanish): “I can’t remember. But it’s the girlfriend of the lettuce.”

Good enough

OUR dalliance with the Latin lingo continues. Reader Bert Houliston has learned that there is an official football managers’ conjugation of the Latin verb "ungood".

“I dungood; you dungood; 'e dungood; we dungood; youse dungood; that boy Andy Robertson, 'e dunbrilliant.”

Doubling down

A PHILOSOPHICAL thought from reader John Bennet, who says: “Do twins ever realise one of them is unplanned?”

Read more: Remember when...