Windae woes

IF the Diary were ever to find itself in a Nigella Lawson frame of mind, and decided to write a recipe book describing the most successful methods of cooking up memorable stories for this column, there would be one key ingredient that would invariably add a certain savour to a tale.


For example, Sandy Tuckerman recalls sharing a taxi home after a night on the loony liquid, and everyone was in high spirits until it was time to drop off the first reveller.

This chap glanced up at the house and exclaimed: ‘Somebody’s changed my windaes when we were out!”

It was only then that the fog cleared from his mind and he realised he had given the cab driver the address of the house he had moved out of months earlier.

Catchy number

A DIARY tale about auto correct reminds Bob Byiers of a Radio Scotland request show he once listened to, hosted by Robbie Shepherd. At one point Robbie announced the next piece of music was for a listener who was 111.

When the tune ended he apologised, admitting the listener was in fact ill.

Water palaver

WE recently noted that a BBC broadcaster based in London isn’t delighted that her department is moving to Scotland. Yet our nation has much to offer, as comedian Joe Heenan points out. “Years ago a London mate of mine visited Scotland for the first time,” he says. “He wanted a glass of water so I gave him one. He asked what kind of bottled water it was and I told him it was tap water. He didn't believe me, so I had to stand at the sink and pour another one while he watched.”

Saucy stroll?

A WIDOWED Edinburgh pensioner was outlining his activity regime to his granddaughter, explaining that when he went for a walk with a lady friend they always took the necessary precautions.

The granddaughter raised a startled eyebrow, forcing the senior citizen to add: “You know, social distancing.”

Rubbish result

A HIGHLAND correspondent spotted a street-sweeping lorry with the registration LE 55 DRT. Alas, the area where the lorry made its proclamation remains grubby.

Conclusion: No one listens to lorries.

Advice is pants

OUR obsession with the Latin lingo continues. Linda Mumphrey from Muirend recalls some useful guidance from her cousin Marvin: “Semper ubi, sub ubi.”

Which (at a stretch) translates as: “Always wear underwear.”

Hard to swallow

THOUGHT for the day from reader Sharon Hall: “You can drink a drink, so why can’t you food some food?”

Read more: The Stacey Solomon Effect