Lemon aid required

THE son of reader George Moore has admitted that he and his wife need to take a long, hard look at themselves. He reached this conclusion after his wife pointed to a picture of a lemon and asked their three-year-old what it was.

“It’s for gin,” he replied.

Cutting remark

ANOTHER hairdressing tale. Upon hearing that his local barbers was to open at last, the increasingly hirsute hubby of reader Nell Strachan merely shrugged his shoulders.

“I thought you’d be delighted,” said Nell.

“A barber can’t help me now,” sighed hubby. “I need one of those Victorian explorer chaps to scythe his way through this jungle on top of my head.”

Flaky idea?

A BRIEF flurry of snow in Glasgow this week led the six-year-old son of Maureen Phillips from Giffnock to ask mummy if it meant a rainbow would soon appear.

“No,” mum replied. “That only happens after it rains.”

“Will we get a snowbow, then?” enquired the little chap.


AN Easter egg tale in the Diary inspires reader Tom Macdonald to expound on an intriguing theory.

“There are two types of children,” he explains. “Those who gobble-up their Easter egg in two minutes flat, and those who nibble at them for days on end, taunting those who have already finished their egg.”

Tom adds: “The second type grow up to be those folk who put you on hold when you phone a call centre.”

Dodging the truth

DIARY contributors who have "English teacher" scrawled on their CVs have been telling us about pupils they have come across who were rather confused by the world of literature. Bruce McConnell, who taught in Easterhouse before retirement, recalls one of his young scholars proudly revealing that he had been reading Oliver Twist in his spare time, and particularly liked the Arthur Dodger character.

When teacher explained that it was the Artful Dodger, the scholar looked confused.

“You sure that isnae a printin’ mistake?” he countered. “A dinnae hink Artful’s a real name.”


CONCERNED reader James Wade is growing increasingly nervous that Alex Salmond’s Alba Party will gain prominence in public life. “I’m now starting to conceive of a terrifying coalition between Alba and the Scottish Greens,” hisses our reader conspiratorially. He adds: “It would, of course, inevitably become known as The Alex Harvie Band.”

Quick thinking

THOUGHT for the day from reader Harry Amery: “If you chat up a sprinter, does that mean you’re trying to pull a fast one?”

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