Catastrophic error

THE Diary would hate to be accused of discriminatory behaviour of any kind, which is why we feel duty bound to humbly apologise for our run of stories poking fun at the silly mistakes made by schoolboys. For the truth is that schoolgirls are equally daft, as languages teacher Barrie Crawford explains.

He recalls one female scholar working on an essay in German about her home life. She mentioned having a cat, then revealed that she regularly fed it. Unfortunately she chose the wrong German verb, which resulted in her admitting that she had to breastfeed the poor moggie.

Boxing day

ON the subject of goofy wee gals: when Pure Radio Scotland presenter Amber Zoe was six she drew a picture to celebrate her mother’s birthday. The colourful scrawl showed Amber’s mum being pummelled in the face. The reason Amber concocted such a worryingly violent image?

“I thought a ‘birthday bash’ was a square go,” she explains.

Chookie chat

THE Duke of Edinburgh’s death reminds a retired Glasgow teacher of the unique outdoor initiative he instigated which often became a handy excuse used by pupils who failed to produce homework.

"Aw miss, ah wis away daein' ma chookie embra," they would say.

“Even the staff who led such excursions would refer to a ‘chookie weekend’,” recalls our correspondent.

Alphabet axed

CERTAIN words have been banned from use in Scrabble. The reason being that they don’t meet the demanding diktats of the Woke apparatchiks now controlling vast swathes of modern life.

Board game fan John Fallon is exasperated by this development. “What next?” he asks. “Perhaps Nicola Sturgeon will ban every letter used in Scrabble, apart from the letters S, N and P.”

On your bike

ECO-FRIENDLY reader Andrew Travers read that taking your bicycle to work every day is good for the environment. So he decided to do just that.

“It's not as though I'm using the roof rack for anything else,” he admits.

A head start

OUR readers have been questioning the hirsuteability of a certain B Johnson of Number 10 Downing Street to lead a great nation.

David Miller of Milngavie recalls it being said of union man Arthur Scargill that he was a three Shredded Wheat a day man, and believes the same is true of our glorious Prime Minister.

For like Scargill of yore, he appears to eat two and plonk one on his head.

Trunk call

“I EXPLAINED to my suitcase that we aren’t going on holiday this year,” says reader Ted Jeffrey. “Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.”

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