REST easy, folks. The House of Commons is back. For the past fortnight, you’ve been wondering how you can put food on the table without Boris Johnson at the dispatch box, reassuring the nation with his jolly japes and light-headed post-lockdown haircut (“Short back and mess, please, barman”).

Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday featured rotting fish, disinfectant, the Shoplifter’s Defence, and tea-drinking in the desert. Oh, and sleaze. Yep. It’s back.

Oddly enough, the nation’s saviour was greeted by cheers from his own benches that were so muted they sounded like groans. Perhaps they knew what was coming.

Labour leader Keir Starmer got straight to the point, asking the PM if current lobbying rules were “fit for purpose”. In reply (loosely defined), Boris stammered his “concern about some of the stuff we are reading at the moment”. If you haven’t read this “stuff” yourself, it involves allegations about former Tory Prime Minister David Cameron lobbying for finance firm Greensill Capital.

Sir Keir said the whole affair highlighted “the sleaze that’s now at the heart of this Conservative Government”. This brought murmurs of unease from the Tory benches, prompting Sir Keir to note: “You shake your heads.” Which prompted them to shake their heads (perhaps indicating that they hadn’t shaken their heads).

Boris protested that Labour had opposed the Tories’ Lobbying Act of 2014, prompting Sir Keir to ask: “Who was it who introduced that legislation?” Answer: David Cameron. And where did that lead? “Two years later, David Cameron camping out in a Saudi Desert with Lex Greensill, having a cuppa tea.” They had a deal all dune and dusted.

When Mr Johnson retorted that Sir Keir himself was being advised by Lord Mandelson of Global Counsel Ltd, experts in strategic pointlessness, the Labour leader averred that he hadn’t heard anything so ridiculous since his last days as a lawyer at the Crown Court. “It’s called the Shoplifter’s Defence: everyone is nicking stuff so why can’t I?”

Deftly, Boris deployed the Waffler’s Defence – “Everyone else in the chamber is doing it, so why can’t I?” – in this instance bizarrely highlighting his own record as mayor on cutting crime in London. Shortly afterwards, it was an exasperated Sir Keir’s turn to shake his head as he observed: “You couldn’t make it up.” Well, you could, if you had Boris’s journalistic experience.

The Labour leader went on to claim that Greensill was just “the tip of the iceberg”, what with “dodgy contracts, privileged access, jobs for their mates”. Calling for a full inquiry, he quoted the famous line: “Sunlight is the best disinfectant.” Copyright, D. Cameron.

The PM repeated himself about Labour opposing the 2014 Lobbying Act, and then went all tangential again, vouchsafing: “We are getting on with rooting out bent coppers.” Eh? This was getting more bizarre.

Indeed, at this point, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, the Speaker, intervened, saying: “Prime Minister, I think you ought at least to address the question.” Mr Johnson replied: “What, in these trousers?” No, he didn’t, but we wouldn’t have been surprised.

When Labour backbencher Ruth Cadbury asked when the PM had last met Mr Cameron, Boris came over all flakey and replied: “The honest truth, I cannot remember when I last spoke to Dave.” He floundered again when Matt Western (Lab) put it to him that “a fish rots from the head down”. The PM’s cold-blooded reply merely confirmed widespread suspicion that he was taking the piscine.

Next to carp was SNP Westminster leader Ian Blackford, who wanted to know how protecting children’s rights in Scotland threatened the Government in Westminster. This referred to the latter taking the Scottish Government to court over its incorporation into Scots law of the UN Convention of the Rights of the Child. Westminster believes this is outwith Holyrood’s competency.

Mr Johnson, a leading incompetent, said the Scottish Government had only done this in the first place to cause “constitutional chaos”, a claim perhaps attributing to the SNP more cunning than it possesses.

Mr Blackford demanded that the PM withdraw the legal challenge, adding defiantly: “If not, we’ll see you in court.”

Addressing the matter circuitously, Mr Johnson accused the SNP of doing all they could do to “break up this country, call for a referendum, er, em, break up this country, destroy our country …” Yes, bash it, mash it, mangle it, rend it. This was Better Together all over again: ripping, tearing, cleaving, cutting, dragging, slashing Scotland out of the UK.

The PM said of the SNP: “That’s all they can think of.” But when it comes to answering any question from the SNP, that’s all he can think of. Every week. The man is obsessed with Scottish independence.

When Carrie asks him if he wants beans with his oven chips, he replies: “You say beans but they just want to smash and mangle the UK, to bludgeon it and boot it in the nadjers.” Carrie says: “Oh, do shut up about Scottish independence.” And so say all of us.

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