Military manoeuvres

THE Diary often likes to take a sophisticated sojourn into polite society, which is why we now continue with our run of toilet tales. Fraser Kelly, formerly of the Royal Army Medical Corps, tells us that in the 1980s the parachute regiment dominated Aldershot as their depot was there. For some mysterious reason the other cap badges didn’t always see eye-to-eye with the red berets.

Even the upstanding men and women of the Army Medical Services struggled to maintain a civilised relationship with them, which is why, written on the doors of a toilet in the Cambridge military hospital, were the words: “Please flush this toilet hard as it’s a long way to the Paras’ cookhouse.”

Gravity falls

THE woke purge of history continues apace, with bureaucrats at Sheffield University determined to "decolonise" the engineering curriculum by attacking the reputation of British scientist Sir Isaac Newton.

David Marshall from Yoker wonders if the next target for the social justice warriors will be Newton’s descendants.

“After all,” says our reader, “As Newton would have pointed out, the apple never falls far from the tree.”


THE wife of reader Jack Davidson is delighted she has an appointment for her first Coronavirus vaccine, though she hates spikey objects, so is rather trepidatious about receiving the injection.

“Which arm do they jag you in?” she nervously asked her husband, who has already received his vaccine.

“Does it matter?” he replied. “Which arm would you prefer?”

“Somebody else’s,” she admitted.

Crime doesn’t pay

WITH retail roaring back into action, Glasgow comedian Johnny Mac sympathetically says: “Another step towards normality, the shoplifters can go back to work. It’s been a tough time for them.”

Pond pontificators

AUTHOR Deedee Cuddihy was strolling round Glasgow’s Bingham's Pond when she overheard a group of women blethering. The topic had turned to politics and the forthcoming election. Said one of the group, referring to Nicola Sturgeon: "She says: ‘Vote for us and we'll do this and we'll do that…'”

To which another member of the group chimed in: "And I say: ‘Dae it – and THEN we'll vote fer youse!’”

Touchy subject

WHEN reader Helen Wilson does her weekly shop at the local supermarket she’s always quietly amused by the irony of the self-service checkout which invites her to touch the screen to confirm that she wants to pay contactless.

Sleepy scoffing

EXHAUSTED reader Ian Watson nodded off while eating a plate of rice. “I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau,” he says.

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