A WHILE ago, reader Bob Jamieson's wife was explaining to the couple’s 11-year-old granddaughter, Amelie, that Bob couldn’t celebrate his birthday in a restaurant as all dining establishments were closed because of lockdown.

The little girl was then informed that a booking would be made, as soon as eateries opened up.

"Will it be a posh one?’’ inquired Amelie eagerly. "One with lots of Michelangelo stars?’’

Green day

THE charity behind Cornwall’s famous "indoor rainforest", The Eden Project, is planning to build a similarly impressive greenhouse in an old gasworks in Dundee, notes reader David Donaldson.

He adds: “Wouldn’t it be nice if they could make the roof out of old jeely jars? Or better still, visitors could be welcomed by the strains of a new version of Hey Jute. I’m sure Paul McCartney would be up for it.”

Drunk with power

ANOTHER of our seafaring tales. Reader Willie Ferguson tells us there was once a curmudgeonly crew who used their logbook to air some personal grievances against fellow shipmates. The skipper once logged that the first mate was "drunk again last night", much to the chagrin of the sozzled seafaring chap in question.

The following ship's log stated disapprovingly: "Skipper sober again last night.”

Classic error

WHILE studying English at Glasgow University, reader Lisa Murphy happened to be lounging on the couch in her student flat, reading Sense and Sensibility. Her flatmate glanced over and said: “That looks interesting. Is it a sequel to Dumb and Dumber?”

Lisa adds: “I’ve always wondered if he was joking. But as he was studying engineering, my suspicion is that he was being deadly serious.”


WHILE in Whitstable, Kent, reader Gordon Casely spotted a shellfish restaurant, and nearby, a venue which was rather suspiciously named the Oyster Indoor Bowling Centre.

“I’m offended,” snorts Gordon. “It suggests an imposition of unnecessary cruelty on molluscs. Imagine bowling with oysters. Can’t folk in Whitstable use bowls like the rest of us?”

Striking a chord

SOME musical musings from reader Claire Lane, who says: “Headphones are audio drinking straws for those who prefer Mozart to milkshakes.”

Dragon dialogue

ON a train once, reader Douglas Young overheard the following illuminating conversation.

Passenger 1: Did you watch the nature programme last night?

Passenger 2: Aye. Ah didnae like they Quasimodo dragons with their forked tongues. They gave me the hump.

Big surprise

“I MET a microbiologist once,” recalls reader Henry Butler. “He was much taller than I expected.”

Read more: Those were the days