Viking raid

YESTERDAY we boasted that the Diary’s crack team of investigative reporters had bagged yet another scoop, having stumbled upon some intriguing rumours suggesting that a footy match may have taken place in London last Friday, involving some Scottish and English chaps.

English crime writer Christopher Fowler now provides us with more details, which may or may not substantiate the initial claims. He reveals that the London tube was recently “filled with hundreds of drunk, unintelligible maskless fat men in little pleated skirts.”

The confused novelist adds: “I think they may be Norwegians or something.”

Skirting the issue

WHILE we’re on the subject of distinctive fashion sensibilities, Russell Smith from Largs recalls the lady visitor to the Highlands who enquired of a chap: “Is anything worn under your kilt?”

To which the chap proudly responded: “No, missus. It’s all in workin’ order.”

Clubbable chaps

ANOTHER floaty, boaty tale. Two Campbeltown fishing skippers at sea spent an hour inconsiderately discussing golf on the VHF radio channel normally used by the fleet for more serious communication.

The golfing geezers droned on in boring detail about their weekend on the famous Machrihanish course. Clubs used… putting technique... bunker escapes… yadda, yadda, yadda.

When he hauled his gear, one of the golfing chums dolefully reported to his pal that he had netted a huge boulder, weighing several tons, and he had no idea how to get rid of it.

Before the pal could reply, a voice from another vessel boomed over the radio: ”Use your ******* sand wedge.”

Crowd dispersal

SOME important marital advice from reader Willie Campbell, who says: “The first rule of monogamy is do no harem.”

Java jinx

IT’S been a tragic time for pun-loving Fife comedian Richard Pulsford, who sobs: “I've been having a coffee mourning. My espresso machine died.”

Homeward bound

A DIARY mention of stolen homing pigeons brings out the pedantic streak in reader Brian Chrystal. “Can you steal a homing pigeon?” he inquires. “Don't they just go back to where they came from? Otherwise, they're just pigeons.”

Transparently true

“CRUNCHY black toast would vanish as a staple of the Scottish breakfast,” predicts reader Scott Richardson, “if someone would only invent a toaster made entirely out of glass.”

Money matters

FOR some unfathomable reason we end today’s Diary with a Croatian joke:

Question: What do you call it when a foolish fellow decides to place a bet on the highly unlikely event of Croatia winning a certain footy match today?

Answer: Quid pro Cro’.

Read more: Comedy in the 'outrage era'