OVERHEARD by reader Colin Burns in an Ayrshire pub at the weekend. Two chaps were discussing the Scottish football team in relation to other great teams from around the world.

Said one chap to the other: “Dae ye think Scotland wid huv a chance against Brazil in a competitive fitba match?”

The other fellow spluttered into his beer, then said. “Aye, right. That’d be Neymar versus nae talent.”

Clock watching

THE things some people do to get a thrill. Reader Les Campbell spotted a sign in a jeweller’s in Maryhill Road, Glasgow, that read: ‘Watch batteries while you wait.’

“Doesn’t sound like a lot of fun,” says Les, “but I’m guessing all their paint has dried.”

The name game

ONCE again the Diary delves into the topic of madcap monikers. For we learn that Glasgow Caledonian University’s new Principal goes by the name of Professor Steve Decent.

Which comes as a great relief, for we would have been very concerned for the uni if the Principal’s name had been Steve Terrible.

(Though perhaps the students are a tad disappointed, and would have preferred Steve Amazing.)

Heavy going

JANUARY will soon be at an end, yet our readers bravely march on with their New Year resolutions. Donald Munro tells us he is continuing to try and lose some excess weight.

“Last week I weighed myself barefoot,” he says. “This week I weighed myself in socks. Which is when I discovered that my socks weigh five pounds.”

Equine economics

COMMERCIALLY minded reader Helen White gets in touch to say: “I’m curious to know how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.”

Getting the sack

THE Glasgow night-bus service is a truly wondrous thing, for it provides a fantasia of magical incidents and colourful vignettes.

Sally Chivers was on one such vehicle when she overheard two exceedingly inebriated middle-aged mademoiselles chatting.

Slurred one to the other: “See, the hing is, I still feel like I’m twenny wan, an’ I still look like I’m twenny wan.”

The second lady snorted in a most indecorous fashion, then replied. “Aye, so ye dae, hen. Ye feel an’ look like a twenny wan pound sack o’ tattties.”

At which point the two ladies dispensed with the medium of conversation, and a certain amount of hair pulling and scratching commenced.

Murky money matters

ENTREPRENEURIAL reader Maurice Sheridan tells us he’s planning on opening a shadow puppet theatre. “My accountant calculates that I’ll make a fortune,” says Maurice. “However, those are just projected figures.”