BURNS Night is over for another year, meaning the wild haggis can scamper free in the heather again, with no fear of being cruelly run to ground by the local Master of the Hunt, as he whips his slavering haggis hounds into a bloodthirsty frenzy.

(Why this barbaric "sport" hasn’t been banned remains a mystery.)

Meanwhile, the good people of Alba haven’t quite accepted that the festivities are ended, for reader Jack Harvey overheard two women on the Neilston train discussing memorable Burns Nights they had attended.

One recalled a dinner where the haggis was casually bunged in the microwave without first being sliced up, or having its skin pierced.

“When it came time to serve,” added the woman, “a knife was plunged into the haggis – and it exploded."

Apparently everyone got a share of haggis that night… whether they wanted it or not.

Quiz time

ON social media, posh TV and movie star, Richard E Grant, has released a video where he declares triumphantly that he is: “Living the dream, baby!”

Is Richard boasting about:

a) Partying all night with George Clooney, at Clooney’s swanky Italian villa.

b) Winning an Oscar.

c) Eating fish and chips in Ullapool.

The answer is, of course, winning an Osc…

No, wait. It’s the fry-up (Ach, who needs a wee gold knick-knack, anyway?).

Auld Reekie

INTRIGUED Dougie McNicol, from Bridge of Weir, perused a report about Edinburgh City Council wanting restaurants to go vegan to reduce the city’s consumption emissions.

“How will they achieve this by making everybody eat more sprouts, beans, and fibre?” wonders Dougie.

Featherbrained fear

MIXED blessings. Paul Adams, from Broxburn, has been notified that he will be receiving an invitation to the crowning of King Charles.

“But there’s a dilemma,” admits Paul. “I have a fear of large crowds, so I’m trepidatious about accepting the invitation. At the same time I don't want to be branded a coronation chicken.”

Sleepyhead’s success

WESTENDER Deedee Cuddihy asked a friend how her son was enjoying the job he started a year ago.

The friend explained that, unusually for him, he had slept in one morning, and arrived late for work, only to discover he had been named Employee of the Month.

The moral of the story? Tardiness leads to triumph. So forget being the early bird. It’s the bleary-eyed bird in bed that bags the worm.

The shipping news

THE other night Ian Noble, from Carstairs Village, watched a documentary on BBC4 explaining how ships are held together. “It was riveting,” he says.