THE time of year is fast approaching when we celebrate the most important woman in the world. No, not Kamala Harris, Suella Braverman or Ash Regan … we’re talking about yer dear auld maw.
The loving lady who plonked you on the planet, then spent umpteen years making sure your face was clean, your nose was wiped and there was a fresh sandwich in your tuck-box on arrival at school.
(OK, dad possibly executed some of those tasks. But mum did everything with more elan.)
This Mother’s Day, why not dispense with the drooping bunch of tulips you usually grab hold of, last minute, from the local petrol station.
Instead, give her something that truly celebrates her queenly charms and quirky qualities by investing in one of the following highly unusual, though entirely unforgettable, prezzies …
Rhyme time
Mothers are all about emotion. When meeting that special lady on Mother’s Day, it won’t do to greet her with a firm handshake or jovial slap on the back.
Nope, you’ll have to offer up an extra-special greeting card, with personalised poem inside.
Perhaps you’re not especially skilled at constructing heartfelt verse. Maybe the best rhyme you composed was on the school toilet wall, back in the day. And that was more of a searing commentary on the education system, with specific reference to the shortcomings of every single one of your classmates.
To compose the ideal Mother’s Day verse, grab a copy of How To Grow Your Own Poem by Scottish author Kate Clanchy, where she’ll teach you how to bulk up your Byronic muscle.
Afterwards, gift the book to mum, so she can write a poem in return to you, when it’s Son & Daughter Day. (Hey, come to think of it, there isn’t a Son & Daughter Day… why not?)
The Illustrated mum
There was a time when the only people who got tattoos were truckers, sailors and chaps spending a few contemplative years in the Big House. (And, no, that isn’t a veiled reference to Frogmore Cottage.)
Nowadays getting skin etched is as middle-class an endeavour as playing croquet on the front lawn. So why not arrange for mum to get a skull & crossbones drilled in ink on her forehead?
OK, that’s a tad extreme. Though there are some beautiful designs available that will turn your favourite parent (shhh… don’t tell dad) into a walking, talking work of art.
There are numerous excellent studios in Scotland, though our favourite is Gold Leaf Tattoo on Glasgow’s Bath Street, where the artistry is super-slick and straight-up sassy.
goldleaftattooglasgow.bigcartel.com
Waxing lyrical
A few sentences ago we mentioned truckers, and there never was a finer trucker than Elvis Presley, who trundled about in a lorry before evolving into the world’s favourite hip-wiggler and lip-curler.
Now, we’re not suggesting buying your mother a heavy-goods vehicle. (“Phew!” says you.) We mentioned Mr Presley because he became famous after shelling out his hard-earned dosh to visit a recording studio and put down on wax a heartfelt piece of warbling for his dearest momma.
You can also cut your own record for mum at Glasgow Music Studios.
Better yet, drag your mother into the studio and record a duet with her. A sound engineer helps with the track, backing music and song lyrics are provided, and mum returns home with a shiny CD. Forget Sonny & Cher – make way for Sonny & Mère.
glasgowmusicstudios.co.uk
Making scents makes sense
During the early years of parenting, mothers put up with woeful whiffs and nasty niffs. The changing of a nappy involves similar stress-levels to the work of a bomb-disposal expert.
Apologise to mum for the horrors inflicted on her hooter by letting her revel in silky sweet scents, instead.
At The Perfume Studio in Edinburgh’s Hilton Carlton Hotel you and your mother can enjoy a perfume-making workshop.
A perfume stylist helps mum design her signature scent, and she can order refills when she runs out.
theperfumestudio.com
Jumping for joy
Scottish anthropologists of note have often posited the theory that, “ye cannae shove yer grannie aff a bus”.
What you can do, it seems, is jettison yer mammie from the open door of an aeroplane that happens to be flying thousands of feet above planet earth.
Though we insist that mother should be wearing a serviceable parachute, mid-plummet. (It’s much less fun if she’s not.)
An entertaining plunge is provided by The Skydiving Centre, based in Errol, Perthshire.
Beginner jumpers are snugly strapped to a skydiving professional, meaning it’s safe and enjoyable, though just a wee bit terrifying.
But, hey, mum’s done scarier things than tumbling through the clouds. She gave birth to you, after all.
skydivecentre.com
Fishy goings on
Buying a huge box of chocolates for Mother’s Day is a delightful treat, until Type 2 Diabetes kicks in a few years down the line.
Much healthier is sushi. Learn to prepare exquisite Japanese fish dishes at an Edinburgh School of Food & Wine Sushi Making Workshop, where a lively demonstration is given by a top chef using fresh ingredients.
Mum can then show off her skills at a dinner party. Or make a sushi packed lunch for her next skydiving escapade. (See above.)
esfw.com
Drive, she said
LIFE slows down when you become a parent. Fast nights on the tiles give way to flummoxed evenings on the sofa. Then bed by 7pm. (7.30 if you’re feeling reckless.)
Though it doesn’t have to be like that for motor-loving mothers.
Treat your petrol-head parent to a Formula Race Car experience at Knockhill Racing Circuit in Fife, where she’ll be advised by skilled instructors, then get the opportunity to burn rubber and blaze round the track faster than a cartoon roadrunner being chased by a ravenous coyote.
It’s almost as adrenalin-fuelled as shoving a wonky-wheeled shopping trolley round Asda.
knockhill.com
Flight of fancy
Edinburgh is a beautiful city from every angle, and an aerial view will allow you to savour the full expanse in all its majesty.
So why not take mother on a thrill-a-minute helicopter flight? The pilot will point out all the local landmarks on this 12-mile jaunt for two.
Glaswegians will particularly enjoy this spin in a souped-up spinning machine, for they’ll be able to delight in the local scenery without having to – ugh! – interact with the local population down below.
redletterdays.co.uk/flying/helicopter-flights
Water palaver
BOBBING about in a loch is wonderfully relaxing, unless you’re in the middle of Loch Ness. Then you’re liable to be munched by a peckish monster.
Luckily Loch Lomond doesn’t have any monsters (that we know of) so it’s the ideal location to enjoy a Ringo Ride, which involves sitting in an inflatable ring and being dragged along the water by a frisky speedboat.
Liquid larks of a non-languid variety are assured.
lochlomond-scotland.com/watersports/ringo-ride
Watch the birdie
IN the bad old days of shabby chauvinism, mother may have been given a dull budgerigar, which she’d have felt obliged to name Tweetie Pie, or something equally anodyne. Much more invigorating is to gift her some quality time with a genuine boss bird.
The Introduction to Falconry course at Gleneagles will allow her to interact with a hardcore Harris hawk … and this feisty fella ain’t afraid of puddy cats.
gleneagles.com
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here