Fame or flop?

When she was a student in London, back in the early 1960s, reader Belinda Roberts supported herself by waitressing in an exceedingly posh hotel restaurant.

She once served a table where two elderly heavily-bejewelled ladies were partaking of a spot of lunch.

Said one of the ladies: “You know, in my younger years I stepped out with a famous French horn player.”

Her friend responded with a supercilious snort, then said: “I very much doubt there has ever been a famous French horn player, dear. They’re doomed to obscurity, just like those dull fellows who plunk away at the glockenspiel.”

Daffy desk

WE’RE discussing the furnishings that brighten up even the dullest office desk. Liam McGuigan from Thorntonhall worked with a chap who was a highly talented HR manager. So talented, in fact, that he managed to execute his duties without besmirching the surface of his desk with anything that looked vaguely like stationary.

Though he did have three paper trays on the desk, which were marked Lies, Rumours and Denials.

Joking’s no joke

THE struggle to be a successful stand-up comedian is long and arduous, points out ace Edinburgh gag merchant, Martin Bearne, who is currently analysing his material.

“I have a great IKEA joke,” he says, “but it takes ages to set up.”

Tissue of lies

OUR readers continue to celebrate their astonishing linguistic prowess by translating foreign phrases into English. An elderly aunt of John McIntyre from Girvan was at school with a girl who pestered those studying German to teach her some words in that language.

Afterwards, when searching for her handkerchief she would say: “Wo ist mein snochterdichter?”

Wonky-wheel woes

SOME Tesla and Nissan vehicles have suffered steering-column bolt problems, notes Terry McGeary from East Kilbride. Unfortunately this has resulted in steering wheels coming off in drivers' hands.

“Doesn't this just prove,” says Terry, “the truth of the adage that the most dangerous part of any car is the nut behind the wheel?”

Spy not spry

WE’RE dragging that ageing adventurer, James Bond, kicking and screaming into the 21st century by devising updated titles for the original 007 novels and films.

Says David Donaldson: “Seeing that the first Bond movie was released in 1962, they should consider changing the questionably-titled Octopussy to Octogenarian.”

Munchy mission

IT’S important to have challenging ambitions which make life invigorating and ultimately rewarding. Reader Peggy Burford says: “Believe it or not, I’ve never eaten in KFC. Though it’s on my bucket list.”

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