THE trials and indignities of old age are topics we often return to in this column. Robert Grant, who admits to having been on the planet a wee bit longer than most, tells us he is now in possession of two pairs of spectacles.

“My favourite pair I wear most of the day,” he says. “And the other pair I wear first thing in the morning to search for my favourite pair.”

Number’s up

TRAVAILS of telephoning. “I’ve just renewed my garden waste permit online with Stirling Council,” says Doug Maughan.

He adds: “I hope I don’t have a query, as the order reference number is: 4f34d1c2-4103-43b4-a142-1eeb0ae8f4a9, and the payment reference is: 5sw0ruye61vpp6n96u8d2o2xfes78mz.

“Don’t fancy reading either of those out on the phone.”

Nifty naming

WE published a yarn about appropriate nicknames for teachers. Tom Bradshaw, from Bellshill, recalls that back in 1977 there was a popular TV series called Roots, whose principal character was named Kunta Kinte.

“At the same time in St Gerard's Secondary in Govan, Glasgow, there was a maths teachers who was held in very low esteem by his pupils,” says Tom. “Perhaps inevitably he was known as Kanae Koontae.”

Good health?

DISPIRITING news for the husband of reader Helen Collins. Or should that be de-spiriting? He recently discovered he has Type 2 diabetes. With a steely look of firm resolution, he declared: “I’ve decided to take my new health regime very seriously. No more weekend whiskies for me.”

“Yes,” agreed Helen. “Plus you’ll have to stop knocking back your regular Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday whiskies.”

Helen’s husband glared at her, outraged.

“I said I was taking my new health regime very seriously,” he said. “But I’m not a bleedin’ obsessive.”

Global gargling

OUR linguistically lithe readers have been sharing with us their love of ancient languages.

Getting in touch with an alternative opinion, Bryce Drummond, a retired chartered engineer from Kilmarnock, says: “My father told me to avoid Latin as it was a dead language, and to instead stick into science and engineering.”

Bryce adds his father has been proven correct. For on Bryce’s travels around the globe, he has often been required to learn “Two beers, please" but never in Latin.

Hot take

MONDAY musings from reader Lisa Hall, who says: “Nothing is on fire. Fire is on things.”

Feisty flighty

CHECKING in for a flight, reader Alan Barker was asked: "Window or aisle?" To which he understandably retaliated: “Window or you'll do what?”