Non-PC comment

TRUSTY machete in one hand, piece of chalk in the other, the Diary is hacking its way through the blackboard jungle, which inspires Gordon Fisher from Stewarton to tell us of his time teaching in the Far East… of Glasgow, that is.

The campus cop, a big, burly old-fashioned type of polis, was replaced by a female officer, who was rather diminutive in stature.

Gordon overheard some young rascals calling her "laptop".

When he asked why, they told him it was "because she’s just a wee PC."

Kids’ stuff

A DIARY yarn about the joys of parenthood reminds Robin Mather from Musselburgh of an inspiring conversation he had with a pal, when Robin’s wife was pregnant with their first child.

“He took me aside,” says Robin, “and looked at me with a very serious expression, then said: ‘No matter what anyone tells you, no-one can get across to you just how bad this is going to be.’”

Drinking prevents thinking

IN the Diary’s Dictionary Corner our linguistically-limber readers are providing apt definitions of well-known words.

Explains Norman Harris from Girvan: “Bamboozle means a ned who has become confused after drinking more than his daily portion of Buckfast Tonic Wine.”

Not very sporting

GOLF fan Mark Renshaw is invariably disappointed when he watches his favourite sport on the telly. With an outraged growl, he grumps: “Why do the commentators always have to use course language?”

Mucky, munchy mind

PROUD feminist Gwen Whitworth was strolling along Buchanan Street with her teenage son when she was shocked and disappointed to hear him mutter lasciviously, “Mmm, tasty,” as an attractive woman walked towards them

In a furious whisper, Gwen began to berate the errant youth for his chauvinistic leanings, until he countered by saying: “I was talking about her T-shirt. Look. She’s got a picture of a full breakfast on the front – fried bread an’ all.”

Says Gwen: “He wasn’t lying – that’s exactly what she was wearing, which was pretty weird. Though I continued to scold my son, who doesn’t seem to have learned anything about healthy eating.”

Clap trap

THERE has been a reversal in fortunes for the NHS, with a worrying rise in cases of gonorrhoea in the Greater Glasgow and Clyde region.

Says concerned reader David Donaldson: “Seems like there's too much clap for the NHS, now…”

Bliss with bread

“BAKERS will suddenly feel a rush of exuberant joy when they are making bread,” explains Gavin Alexander from Stirling. “That’s when the doughpamine really hits.”

Read more: The Boat Race is boring, if you catch his drift