Stretching the truth

WE’RE discussing an elegant member of the avian world, which reminds Sarah Munro from Aberdeen of being a young child, and the first time she saw a swan, which was in an illustrated book.

“What’s that?” she asked her dad.

“A duck,” said dad, who was never one for letting the boring truth hinder an explanation.

“Why’s it got a long neck?” said Sarah.

“When it was a baby duck it was very popular,” said dad. “So another duck tried to steal it from its mother. They both took an end… and tugged. And that’s the result.”

“My dad had many talents,” says Sarah, “being the next David Attenborough wasn’t one of them.”

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Red alert, continued

WE mentioned that ginger-haired folk are often given a hard time. Bruce Stevens from Cumbernauld had a high school English teacher who forced him to sit at the back of the class.

Not because of behavioural issues; she claimed his ginger locks were “distracting”.

Says Bruce: “I once told her I’d gladly come to school wearing a top hat if that would be less off-putting. She said not to be cheeky – you just can’t win.”

Footering about

A THOUGHT of planetary significance from reader James Doyle: “When you bury your feet in the sand at the beach, you are briefly wearing the Earth as shoes.”

Crunch time

HEALTHY reader Jennifer Gates worked as a trainer in an Edinburgh gym where a lady who had never previously bothered about exercising arrived to look round, and was particularly intrigued by the water-bottle holder affixed to the running machine.

“That’s all very well,” she said to Jennifer. “But I tend to have a pack of Monster Munch and a Crunchie about midday, which is when I’ll be exercising. Where do I put them?”

Equine edibles

MANAGING a swanky Glasgow restaurant in the 1980s, Derek Muir interviewed a prospective waiter, who sadly didn’t get the job after mentioning he had served horse desserts in another dining establishment he’d worked in.

Says Derek: “I was about to ask what part of the horse he served for pudding, when I twigged. He meant hors d’oeuvres.”

Egg-cellent idea

AN Easter tale. Sunday school teacher Gwen Doncaster recalls the unimpressed pupil she once taught, who said: “Chocolate Easter eggs are boring. They all look the same. Why doesn’t anyone make one that looks like a fried egg?”

Cutting comment

“I FIRED the guy I hired to mow my lawn,” admits reader Gordon Butler. “He just didn’t cut it.”