String theory

WE’RE discussing a certain regal member of the avian family. Which reminds Steven Lindley from Thornliebank of the time when he worked in a corner shop, and an elderly chap once asked if he could buy some swan vests.

“I was about to tell him that we didn’t stock underclothes, for humans or animals,” says Steven. “Then I realised that perhaps he was alluding to Swan Vesta matches. This turned out to be the case.”

Adds our reader: “For the rest of the day I couldn’t help imagining what sort of vest a swan would wear, if it was so inclined. Certainly not a string one – swans are far too sartorially elegant for that.”

The hard drive

THE rigours and rewards of exercise, continued. Fiona Morley from Kirkcaldy noticed that her husband has become rather burly, and tactfully suggested that he might want to attend the local gym.

He assured her there was no need, for he was already exercising… in the car.

He went on to explain that when he drove to work he clenched the steering wheel extra hard. He also had taken up ferociously gnashing chewing gum while he drove.

“All of that has got to be burning off a few extra calories, hasn’t it?” he said.

Royally wrong

ANOTHER tale from the chalkface. Glasgow science teacher Sharon Oakley was discussing in class the discoveries of the Italian astronomer Galileo, which inspired one student to thrust a hand in the air and say: “Wisnae he the dude in that auld Queen song? Did he no' have something tae do with a fandango? Wis that some weird hing he invented?”

Read more: A dad's tale of swanupmanship

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Monarchical muddle

CONTINUING the subject of royalty. It won’t have escaped our readers notice that next month will see the coronation of King Charles.

James Ferrier from Greenock was discussing the occasion with his teenage grandson, who said: “I didn’t know till recently that a coronation is an actual thing. I just thought it was some made-up street in Manchester.”

Money matters

THIRSTY reader Jack Davidson visited his local hostelry with a chum. While waiting to be served at the bar, Jack’s chum pointed to the Tip Jar and said: “That makes no sense.”

“What do you mean?” said Jack.

“Well,” said the chum, “if I tip it, all the cash will spill out.”

Fashionable filching

SARTORIALLY-SAVVY reader Angela Taylor gets in touch to tell us: “I used to dress off the peg. But now my neighbours bring their laundry in at night…”