A COLLEAGUE of Tom Irvine, from Strathaven, was once returning from a tiring week at head office.

Driving on the M74, and on auto pilot, this chap was stopped by traffic police.

The conversation developed thus…

“We’re sorry to stop you, sir,” said one of the cops. “But my partner and I are having an argument and think you can help.”

“How so?” enquired the chap.

The traffic cop replied: “I say you were taking off; he says you were landing. But we’ll call it 83 anyway.”

Religious ruminations

THE daughter of John Mulholland was given a Lindt Gold Bunny for Easter. However, a fold in the foil wrapper changed the phrasing slightly, with the ‘L’ of the word ‘gold’ disappearing behind the crease. This prompted John’s daughter to ask: “Dad, what’s God got to do with Easter?”

Dumping on Dom

WATCHING the BBC news at the weekend, Sid Leslie, from Kirkintilloch, heard a political reporter refer to Dominic Raab as having been a “number two” to Rishi Sunak.

“How very polite of the reporter,” says Sid.

Foody faux pas

THERE was once an upmarket butcher and game dealer in Edinburgh’s west end, recalls reader Sandy Smith.

“A friend of mine, who was a regular customer, was in chatting to the owner,” says Sandy. “Nearby was a very posh lady being served by a young lad who was working there on the old Youth Opportunities Programme, and communication was proving difficult.”

At the end of her order, the posh lady asked the lad if he had any chicken pieces.

“Sorry,” replied the lad, “we dinnae sell sandwiches."

A response that led to the youngster being firmly ushered into the backroom while the shop owner dealt with the order in a more knowledgeable manner.

More bookish badinage

THE Diary is in the process of improving classic movies by adding the word library to their titles.

Which inspires Russell Smith, from Largs, to elevate this exercise to an intellectual level truly worthy of Herald readers by suggesting the swish and exotic sounding… La Dolce Bibliotheca.

Little and large

GRANNIES are not always as sweet and uncritical as you might believe. Reader Helen Wilson was in a charity shop in Partick, Glasgow, where she overheard two women discussing their (large) grandchildren.

Inspiring one of the women to say: “I mean, when we were wee, we were small…”

Pregnant pause

STATISTICALLY astute reader Debbie Hibbett gets in touch to point out: “Teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age of 19.”