Finnegan begin again

JOE Biden has announced he will be running for a second term as President. Considering his advanced age, perhaps what we should say is: Joe Biden will be taking a gentle amble for a second term as President. (Stopping several times on the way, to enjoy a rejuvenating cuppa and digestive biscuit, followed by a lengthy nap.)

After his glorious return to his roots in the Emerald Isle, the Diary is surprised that Joe didn’t decide that, instead of battling for the Presidency, it would be more fun to pronounce himself Grand Overlord of All Ireland.

He’s certainly retained a strong connection to the nation of his forefathers, for whenever he makes a speech, he appears to be quoting a random page from James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake.

Joe’s 80, but he’s clearly still up for a challenge, much like the pugnacious protagonists of the following classic tales from our archives…


Rodent ruminations

AN Edinburgh reader noticed a city chip shop that had to display a notice in its window from health inspectors detailing an infestation of mice discovered on the premises. No doubt the notice was ordered by health inspectors as a deterrent. But our reader wondered how effective it was.

Someone else had taped a notice to the outside of the window, on which was written: “Who cares about mice? I dinnae go tae a chippy tae get healthy.”


Glaswegian for beginners

SHIPYARD tales. There was once a pay negotiation at the old John Brown’s yard where a shop steward declared: “Ah’ve telt ye… nae mair moolah, the bears are oot!”

An American executive turned to a local colleague for elucidation, only to be told: “Basically he’s sayin’ the ba’s on the slates.”


Reflections on reflecting

THE universal problem of fathers having to cope with what their teenage daughters wear on a night out. One Giffnock dad admitted that when his daughter came down stairs he couldn’t stop himself asking: “Are you a vampire?”

When the puzzled girl answered in the negative, he added: “I just assumed you couldn’t see your reflection in a mirror.”


Liquid laughs

A GLASGOW reader wondered how many waiters in the city think they are comedians.

In an amiable fashion, one evening, he said to his server: “It looks like rain,” and the chap just had to reply: “I know, but that’s how the soup comes in here.”


Face facts

“MY wife always likes to put on a happy face,” said a chap in the pub. “Which might explain why she got sacked from the make-up counter at a department store.”


Hitting it off

NIFTY nicknames. A reader told us of a joiner called "Lightning" because he could never hit the same place twice.