FORMER Celtic kickyball king Roy Keane has evolved into a grumpy critic of the beautiful game.

On telly, where he Is a football analysist, he can be relied upon to spit out a few surly, snarly comments.

This talent has not gone unnoticed by social media satirists, for on Twitter a new wheeze is proving popular where contributors imagine that Roy is a revered movie critic, then cobble together an angry film critique in his inimitable voice.

The following is one such example. See if you can guess the film…

Movie Critic Roy: “I’m all for loving your mother, but that’s just no way to run a motel is it? Not when people can't even have a shower in peace, embarrassing"

(The flick is… Psycho.)

Cool running

READER Donna Murphy lives opposite a gym. Gazing out her window, she has spotted many inspiring activities from the keep-fit crew.

Last week a car coasted into the gym car park. A spandex-clad lady bounced out the vehicle, then jogged dynamically into the gym.

Two minutes later she reappeared holding a paper coffee cup, jogged dynamically back to her car, and drove off.

“Now that’s what I call a workout,” says Donna.

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Green-fingered goodbye

OUR cheery correspondents are embracing Armageddon.

Says Gordon McRae: “At one time the advice given in the event of a nuclear attack was to dig a slit trench in an available piece of ground, climb into it, and cover yourself with leaves and branches.”

Adds Gordon: “It wouldn't protect you from the blast, but should leave the area a bit tidier afterwards.”

Cutting comment

THE Diary learns of a man in prison for attempted murder. Glasgow solicitor Matthew Berlow appeared in court for him in another case, and explained to the sheriff that the inmate is thriving behind bars, for he has been designated the prison barber.

Or as Berlow described it in court: “He’s making good use of his time in jail, though he wouldn’t be my first choice of hairdresser.”

Mighty munching

A DIARY diatribe about greed reminds Bryce Drummond, from Kilmarnock, of a fellow member of the Round Table organisation, who had a healthy appetite. This fellow was once at a Round Table buffet night in Scarborough, and was told to serve himself last.

“He did not starve,” says Bryce, “but nobody got seconds after he filled his plate…”

Grammar grump

“I HATE it when people don't know the difference between your and you're,” says reader Paul Ward. “There so stupid.”