Ancient antics

HARRISON Ford took to the red carpet this week to launch another Indiana Jones adventure, the fifth instalment of the popular movie franchise.

The Diary hasn’t seen a screening of the flick, though we know a few things about it. Namely that it was partially filmed in Glasgow and that Mr Ford is now 80 years old.

From this information we surmise that the blockbuster will see Indiana taking on such thrilling escapades as playing lawn bowls in Bearsden.

He’ll also endure a race against time in Muirend Sainsbury’s, competing against a dastardly villain to be first to reach the self-service till.

Like a Jones movie, the Diary is jampacked with ripping yarns, as you’ll discover in the following classic tales from our archives…


Holiday hopeful

A READER was puzzled when he asked his wife: “What do you fancy this summer, Spain or Portugal?” and she trilled with excitement: “Oh, I’d love Portugal.”

As he told us: “I was only going to put a pound bet on for her for that year’s Euro championships, so it hardly seemed worthwhile getting that excited.”


Eye eye

AN Edinburgh reader said: “A bit of a nutter I worked with in London had a habit of taking his glass eye out and popping it into the drink of anyone who asked for him to ‘keep an eye on that’ whenever they went to the loo or the bookies. Unfortunately, I drank Guinness so never discovered the offending ocular stand-in until I was three-quarters of the way down my pint.”


Misty memories

SENIOR moments. An elderly lady answered the door to a couple of earnest young men who asked if she ever thought of the hereafter.

“Yes, son, all the time,” she said. “I go into the other room and ask myself what am I here after?”


Gardening leave

A BEARSDEN reader was chatting to his neighbour who smoked at home, as did his wife.

This fellow’s wife came home from a visit to the doctor. “Bad news,” she told him. “Doctor says I’ve got asthma.”

“That’s terrible,” replied the husband. His sympathetic display was ruined when he added: “That means when I have a fag you’ll have to go out to the garden.”


Dating disaster

A READER told us of an elderly relative who was boasting to his wife about the advantages of getting on in years when they were in the queue at DIY store B&Q, by brandishing his discount card for pensioners on Wednesday.

His wife threw him a withering glance and said: “It’s Thursday.”


Feeling Blue

A YOUNG lad in Glasgow was asked by a family friend what team he supported.

“Rangers,” he answered.

“But who is your ‘big team?’” the chap insisted.