SINCE the new CalMac online booking system went live last Wednesday David Donaldson, in common with countless others, has been locked out of his account.

Our outraged reader says: “I was going to write a highly critical piece about this latest ferry farce, but I don't know how to get it pier-reviewed.”

Tense telly travails

THE Shakespearean drama that is the feud between Phillip Willoughby and Holly Schofield (or is it the other way round? It’s so darned confusing) arrived at a suitably grizzly finale at the weekend, with Holly triumphant and Phil defenestrated.

Says reader Max Raymond: “’Twas ever thus in the world of daytime telly, which is more brutal than The Godfather, and bloodier than the shower scene in Psycho.”

Adds Max: “Who can forget the ferocious Rainbow fracas of 1977, when Zippy got snippy when Bungle bungled reading the autocue…”

Naughty Shoty

MORE telly talk. “The TV programme Scotland's Home Of he Year is given the abbreviation SHOTY in some parts of the media,” notes Gordon McRae. “When I worked in Edinburgh the term 'keeping shoty' (other spellings available) meant someone kept their eyes open for the polis while their mates carried out a nefarious deed, generally involving a bottle of Buckie or vodka and an off-licence.”

Our reader adds: “They may want to consider a variant name for the programme…”

Birdbrained suggestion

KINDLINESS or kookiness? You decide. A ravenous crow was tearing into a half-empty polystyrene box of takeaway chips in the Sainsbury’s car park in Muirend, Glasgow, at 7pm on Saturday.

A spectacle that was witnessed, first hand, by local chap Henry Stevenson and his wife, who were just about to do some shopping.

With a look of great compassion on her face, Henry’s wife said: “Ooh, just look at that. It really can’t be healthy for the poor bird. D’you think we should get it a salad from the supermarket?”

Henry, perhaps a tad heartlessly, declined to do so.

Nifty name

CURIOUS reader Gavin Collins says: “I’d love to meet the Tom who managed to get an entire genre of foolery named after him.”

Flat-out rude

NOSTALGIC reader Paula Oakley recalls how her feisty mother would always fire caustic comments aimed at the rest of the family when she was working at the ironing board.

Says Paula: “I always thought it should have been called the irony board.”

Knock-on effect

A VISIONARY experience. Lisa Stead from Grangemouth gets in touch to say: “My telescope fell on my microscope, now I have a collide-oscope.”