Dookit of doom

IN the era before email, unlucky teachers sometimes discovered a slip of paper in their staffroom dookit.

This form was known as a YUFTI, which translated as: "Yufti take another class". The necessary details began with the expression ‘please take’.

Teacher Gordon Fisher from Stewarton recalls one Monday morning when there had been a terrible outbreak of hangovers (sorry, serious illness), and a frazzled depute was frantically trying to cover classes.

Gordon didn't ease the depute’s stress when he handed back his "please take" emblazoned "No thanks."

This chap shot Gordon an angry glare. Gordon responded by using an expression he had learned from an S3 girl: "Sakes man. Can you no take a joke?"

Apparently he couldn't.

Toilet training

WE continue with our tales of outrageous aviation antics. Former pilot Doug Maughan recalls one captain’s party piece. While his plane was airborne, this chap would emerge from the flight deck unrolling two long pieces of string. He’d then go up to an unsuspecting passenger seated in the front row of the cabin, offer them the two ends of string, then request that they hold onto the controls while he popped to the loo.

Shipping news

THE Diary remains the most eclectic column in the history of newspapers. To prove our point we thrillingly shift from tales about planes to stories about ships.

Seafaring fellow Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie recalls an engineer he sailed with who was a most contemplative cove.

He would enter the control room and state: "If things don’t change around here soon,” (at which point he would pause in a most suspenseful manner) “they will just have to stay the way they are.”

Dramatic entrance

SPORTS fan Oliver Hall persuaded his theatre-loving girlfriend to watch a game of footy on the telly.

“Never again,” shudders Oliver, who adds: “When a player came off the bench she said: ‘Is that the understudy?’”

Religious reverie

THE Diary continues asking the big, existential questions that have troubled generations of philosophers and poets. Yesterday we wondered if a singer, confused about his identity, has an alto ego.

Adding further complications to the debate, Denis Bruce from Bishopbriggs demands to know: “Does an ordained minister have an altar ego?”

Follicles of folly

THOUGHT for the day from reader Neil Murray: “Never trust an electrician with frizzy hair.”

Read more: Those were the days...