Future perfect

A SOUTH Ayrshire reader by the name of Auld Sanny admits that the future of motoring has him worried.

“What should you do when your computerised self-driving car mows down a pedestrian?” he asks. “Do you just switch it off, switch it back on again, and continue on your way?”

It’s a tricky situation. Though having jumped into our time machine and taken a jaunt into the future to pick up the updated version of the Highway Code, the Diary is delighted to confirm the correct protocol.

You should phone for a computer-controlled ambulance, which will arrive on the scene with a mechanical medic in the back, who will then conclude that the pedestrian you bumped into was actually a robot, whose life can be saved by the addition of petrol plus a washer or two.

The future… it’s a grand place to have a near-fatal accident.

Hunger games

A FAMOUS musician was staying at a swanky Glasgow hotel, recalls reader Robert Groves. The chef sent a young porter to the star’s room to ask what he wanted for dinner, and also to give the porter a chance to meet a celeb.

He knocked on the door and when it opened the star said: “Hi. I'm Hank Marvin."

The porter replied: "The kitchen disnae open till six.”

Lethal but casual

“JAMES Bond always does amazing feats in restrictive tailored suits,” points out reader Tony Miller. “Imagine what he could accomplish in tracky bottoms and a string vest.”

Illuminating game

WE continue with our tales of seafaring old salts. Reader Freddy Gillies recalls when the Campbeltown herring fleet was stormbound at anchor off the Isle of Barra. To pass the time in one cabin a spirited game of I Spy was in progress.

One worthy had crewmates perplexed with his contribution of "L L".

When all had given up in pure frustration, he proudly proclaimed: “Lectric light.”

Surreal Sanjeev

“I REALLY wanted to vent my spleen,” admits River City actor Sanjeev Kohli. “In the end I got a fan fitted to my liver.”

Cartoon capers

WE’VE been wondering who should play Alex Salmond in a movie of his life. “The obvious star is Shrek,” chuckles reader Margaret Thomson.

We assume Margaret means that the animated ogre, like Mr Salmond, has a Scottish accent and an all-consuming fondness for his native land.

Nothing to do with his appearance, of course…

Commerce curtailed

“I HAD to give up my business plan to make worksurfaces for shops,” sighs reader Mike Rhoden. “It was proving to be counterproductive.”