Face time

RELAXING in a beer garden recently, reader Geoff Crowley overheard two chaps in their twenties discussing romance.

Said one chap to the other, “I’ve met this girl called Natasha and she wants me to call her Tash.”

“So what’s the problem?” enquired his chum.

Gesturing to the resplendently fuzzy area under his own nose, the first chap said: “I’ve already got a ‘tash. I’m not sure I need two in my life.”

All at sea

WE continue with our seafaring tales. Ian Craig from Strathaven once overheard a bosun, a McNeil from Barra, say to the newly-appointed able seaman: “I never saw you before today, unless, of course, you saw me.”

No doubt the able seaman became very unable whilst attempting to figure out what the bosun was babbling about.

Is Tom Marvin?

A RECENT Diary tale revolved around the fact that in Glasgow Hank Marvin means both a pop star from the 1960s and a rumbling belly from any era.

Fraser Kelly tells us that in the Philippines, where he is based, the phrase for being hungry is linked to another star of the 60s… Tom Jones.

Our reader is unsure how such strange terminology came into being.

“But in my neck of the woods,” he adds, “it’s not unusual.”


WHEN it comes to tall tales, the Diary doesn’t footer about. So without further ado, we present Stevie Campbell from Hamilton, who says: “I once tried to pay my chiropodist with a fake £20 note. Unfortunately she spotted this immediately and told me it was counterfeet. I fainted at this point and ended up comatoes.”

Poorie puzzling

A READER mentioned an I Spy game where the exotic phrase "iil poorie" was used to refer to an oil can. Edith McInroy from Kilwinning says her father and his pals used the term for a curlew, a bird common in the countryside where they lived.

So it’s either an oil can… or a feathered beaky thing. The Scots language is turning out to be a tricky obstacle to negotiate. Is it any wonder that our nation still hasn’t won the I Spy World Cup?

Food for thought

STILL GAME star Ford Kiernan admitted to having a rough time yesterday. “Pickled or spring onion crisp breakfast dilemma,” he sighed, despondently.

Pointless prize

“THERE should be an award for the most sceptical person in the UK,” claims reader Ian Marshall, who adds: “Though the most sceptical person in the UK would probably find a good reason to turn down the award

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