The name game

WE sometimes receive some very curious notifications. For instance, researchers from an organisation called Goodluckmate inform us they’ve discovered which male and female names are most likely to end up with a criminal conviction.

They claim that chaps called David and Daniel, or ladies named Sarah and Amy, have the greatest probability of a dalliance with the law.

The Diary remains unpersuaded. Surely the only crime a Daniel or an Amy could be found guilty of would be a felony against highfalutin fashion, when they turn up at Ascot wearing last year’s cravat or summer dress.

Meanwhile, we’ve devised an alternative, and more accurate, list of criminal monikers.

And top of the pile?

The names Mugsy, Knuckles and Snake-Eye Lil, of course.

Funny money

IT’S reported that Boris Johnson and fiancée Carrie Symonds will enjoy a lavish wedding next summer. Reader Alex McDougall is curious to know who will fund the shindig, and suggests some possibilities.

1, The British taxpayer.

2, Wealthy Tory donors.

3, Boris will hire an underling to ghost-write a money-spinning sequel to his book about Shakespeare.

4, Boris will pay for the bash out of his Prime Ministerial wages.

PS: Our reader believes one of his suggestions is totally out of the question. He wonders if you can guess which…

Artistic impression

WE recently mentioned a pet dog with a grandiose name. Reader Gordon Casely notes that small children often suffer from the same affliction. In a Byres Road supermarket he heard a Glesga wifie call her grandson to heel with the words: “Salvador! Salvador!”

“I wonder if his surname was Daily?” muses Gordon.

Voyage of discovery

WE continue sharing seafaring yarns, both tall and true. Comedian Andy Cameron says there was a comely young wench who was discovered after hiding on a vessel for three weeks. She explained to the captain that she was heading for America, and that the first officer had taken her on.

The captain informed her that he had certainly taken her on… she was aboard the Renfrew Ferry.

Write and wrong

A GRAMMATICAL thought from reader Ted Hardman: “Good punctuation is a sentence that’s well written and bad punctuation is a sentence that’s, well, written.”

Top tipple tip

“BALMORAL have launched two new varieties of gin,” notes Norman McAllister from Hamilton. “At £30 and £60 a bottle, I expect they’ll get off to a sloe start.”

Arrow of truth

A SPORTING admission from reader Nigel Morton: “If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dartboard on the ceiling.”

Read more: Those were the days...