Dust to dust

PERSUASIVE reader Caroline Jones convinced her 10-year-old son to help with the housework. The little chap took hold of the vacuum cleaner readily enough, though he returned with the very same contraption a couple of minutes later, with not much sucking up of dust having been achieved.

“What’s the problem?” inquired the youngster’s mum/line manager.

“The vacuum’s full,” he reported, before adding: “What happens now – do we buy a new vacuum cleaner?”

Leap of faith

WE continue celebrating the scribblings discovered on Glasgow University Union’s toilet doors.

Earlier this week a correspondent mentioned the rhyming couplet:

“It’s no use standing on the seat

The spirochaete can jump six feet.”

Tom Graham from Troon recalls an equally charming second verse:

“It’s no use going next door either,

The ones in there jump six feet higher.”

Boat/bus blues

NOT all escapades on the Renfrew Ferry are magical experiences, as we recently noted. Gordon McRae, who used to commute between Yoker and Renfrew, recalls reaching Renfrew on the boat, when the ferry gates would open.

There always followed a crazed dash up the hill to the bus terminus. Alas, the dash invariably ended in dashed hopes. For when Gordon got within 50 yards of his destination, the bus would pull away with the conductress waving cheerily to him from the rear platform.

For some unknown reason, sprinting from the Renfrew ferry to the nearest bus stop has never been an Olympic sport.

Which is a pity, as Gordon would have easily bagged gold.

Mind your language

SOMETIMES long-term relationships irretrievably break down. It’s nobody’s fault. The two parties just have to get over it. Move on.

Actually, that’s not always the case. For the Diary has had a huge falling out with its old flame, the English language. And we’re bitter and unforgiving about our former partner’s foibles.

For, as reader Jim Hamilton points out, according to the loopy English lingo, fingers have fingertips, but toes don’t have toetips. Yet you can tiptoe, though can’t tipfinger.

Counting calamity

CAVEAT emptor is astute Latin advice that reader Mike Tyrell should have followed. “I bought a book called 1001 Uses for Binary,” he says. “I was disappointed to discover there were only nine entries.”

Growing pains

DAFT comment of the day is provided by the seven-year-old daughter of reader Olivia Campbell, who asked: “When I grow up will my kidneys become adultneys?”

Read more: Those were the days...