Painful discovery

THE Euros will soon be upon us, when once again Scotland will dazzle the footballing world. In anticipation of our assured triumph, the Diary today celebrates the most important fellow ever to wear a Scottish strip.

Not Dalglish or Law, but Andy Cameron. The chap who gave us so much hope in 1978 when his rousing footy anthem sent our lads off to Argentina and certain glory.

Alas, no song from Andy this year. Though he does get in touch to regale us with this story which has absolutely nothing to do with the beautiful game.

“A wee Glesga punter is complaining to his doctor that he’s got pains all over his body,” Andy tells us.

The doc says, “Show me where it’s sore.”

So the wee fella touches his shoulder and cries: “Ouch!”

He then touches his knee and cries: “Argh!”

Prodding his head, he yells “Oh, ya bass!”

The doctor says, “I see what’s wrong.”

“Is it serious?” asks the concerned patient.

“Not too bad,” shrugs the doc. “You’ve broken your finger.”

Pasta player

THINKING about footy… A reader informs us there’s an Italian player called Kevin Lasagna. “Apparently he’s a man of many layers who doesn’t mince his words,” adds our reader.

Religious experience

THE Diary is the most sophisticated and urbane newspaper column on the planet, which is why we insist that our readers peruse our series of bon mots while dressed in formal evening wear, a cocktail in one hand, a monocle covering an eye, and a cigarette holder balanced insouciantly on the lower lip.

Though sometimes we find ourselves straying into rougher terrain. For example, the subject of undergarments recently cropped up, which reminds Russell Smith from Largs of the possibly apocryphal tale of the starry-eyed young debutante who told her best friend, after a night of passion with a new acquaintance: “I’ve been blessed. He had St Michael on his pants.”

Dictionary corner

WE continue improving the English dictionary with newly-minted words. Jim Hamilton suggests: Errorist (noun): Someone who repeatedly makes dangerous mistakes.

Humble pie

HAVING a go at humbleness, reader Gavin White says: “Someone a lot smarter than me once said feigned humility is endearing.”

Mind the gap

MORE toilet humour. Reader John Hart recalls a pay-to-use lavatory in Glasgow city centre with a space beneath the door, next to which someone had scribbled. “Please close this gap. The Limbo Dancers are getting in for free.”

Future present

BOASTFUL reader John Moore tells us: “I was recently voted time traveller of the year 2172.”

Read more: The invisible sculpture