Star gazing

A POSSIBLY apocryphal tale from Robin Gilmour of Milngavie, involving a Hollywood legend and a chap named Wee Tam.

The setting for our story is a mythical town called Glasgow, a place much like La La Land, only with double-decker buses outnumbering convertible sports cars and tartan bunnets more popular than Aviator sunglasses.

Our narrative commences when David Hasselhoff – famous for his TV role in Baywatch – swaggers into a local pub and orders a drink.

Why he’s in Glasgow remains unclear. Filming a movie, perhaps. Or maybe enjoying the local weather and topping up his tan.

Delighted to welcome an acting icon into his pub, Wee Tam the barman says: “It’s a pleasure tae serve ye, Mr Hasselhoff.”

“Just call me Hoff,” says the star.

“Sure,” replies Tam. “Nae hassle… big man.”

Never forget ...

KEEN wildlife observer Ken Mitchell says: “Elephants use their trunks to breath while in water, so technically, they’re swimming trunks.”

Latin lavvy

FLUSHED with zeal to raise the cultural level of the Diary's run of toilet tales, Alasdair Sinclair recalls the words he discovered on the flyleaf of a second-hand Latin Dictionary:

Lines Written in an Oxford Bog:

O Cloacina, goddess of this place

And votary of every man of grace,

Safe to thy throne may our oblations flow -

Not rudely swift, nor obstinately slow.

Dinos-au revoir

A DARWINIST diatribe from sweet-toothed reader Lucy Willis: “Chocolate is vital for our survival as a species. Dinosaurs didn’t have chocolate and look what happened to them.”

Jagged edge

A NIPPY conversation. Nick Vargg from King’s Park was about to receive his Covid vaccination at Castlemilk Sports Centre when the male nurse spotted the Berwick Rangers tattoo on his patient’s left arm, and said: “They beat Glasgow Rangers in 1967, didn’t they?”

The medical chap, who we’re guessing likes to drape himself in blue apparel of a Saturday afternoon, proceeded to give Nick his jab, then in a grumpy grumble, muttered: “Enjoy yer sair arm.”

“It seems that 54 years of hurt hasn’t softened the average Glasgow Rangers fan,” chuckles Nick, who was amused to be needled while getting his needle.

Mind your language

A DIARY tale about the idiosyncrasies of the English language inspires Jim Dunlop to point out: “There’s no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger and no apple or pine in pineapple.”

Milking it

“CRYING over spilled milk isn’t as common as crying because someone yelled at you for spilling milk,” points out reader Lionel Bruce.

Read more: Remember when...