Waistcoat want not

Sad, in the widest sense of the word, to see England go out of the World Cup (and commiserations to those who, like your telly-less Diarist, made the mistake of watching on STV’s online player – which went caput during extra-time). At least, as reader Hugh Steele notes, after the fashion craze for manager Gareth Southgate’s favourite attire, it’ll be a good time to pick up a cheap waistcoat on eBay.

That phenomenon had irked one Herald online reader, who moaned: “This is a pain in the neck. I’ve had to stop wearing the waistcoats I liked to wear. I’ve got hunners as well.”

It’s going home

Our recent mention of England fans singing, to the tune of Village People’s Go West, at the Swedes, “You’re s*** – but your birds are fit”, reminds reader Tam Smith that the Swedes had a brilliant retort, singing in turn: “Go home – to your ugly wives.”

Martin Morrison, meanwhile, was unimpressed by fellow Scots who didn’t want England to win the World Cup. Says he: “One suggested that ‘they would never shut up about it’. Really? If a Scottish football team won a raffle we would never hear the end of it.” Fair point.

White noise

Our story about the Barry Buddon jukebox reminds a Campbeltown reader of working for the Naafi in a military establishment on the west coast of Scotland way back in 1974. “The jukebox developed a fault shortly before Xmas and we couldn’t get an engineer out. Problem was, whatever records you chose (three for 10p), immediately after each one played, it also played Barry White’s My First, My Last, My Everything.

“Drove us half-crazy, especially on Xmas Day when one wag actually chose that song six times, so we heard 12 renditions of it. Eventually, to preserve our sanity, we ripped the plug off the jukebox.”

Trainer of thought

The current sports mania prompted Falkirk reader Jack Minnock’s missus to note that his trainers, “like me”, were past their best. So, off he went for new ones. Says Jack: “As I was trying some on, a young team descended causing mayhem. Only one wanted trainers, and they were all giving their bit on what he should get. He picked up a pair, declaring: ‘I like these. What do you think?’ To which one blurted out: ‘Ye cannae wear them. They’re for running.’ So they all left – with no trainers. Seems the young team in Falkirk have a different view of what trainers are for!”

Hard night’s day

A top reader from the legal profession tells us why, in his view, his practice’s 24-hour on-call service has its drawbacks. Call from client: “Hello. I’m at court and there’s nobody here. The court’s closed.” Lawyer: “Well, it would be.” “How’s that, mate?” “It’s 10 o’clock at night.” “You’re kidding.” “Nope. And the court doesn’t open at night.” “Are you sure it’s 10 at night?” “Yep. That’s why it’s getting dark.” “Aye, so it is. Thanks, mate. I’ll go home and get a sleep. See you in the morning.”

Oliver twist

English writer and comedian Gary Delaney is unimpressed with celebrity chef Jamie Oliver’s website. Tweets he: “It asked me to accept cookies. Hypocrite!”

Ken Smith is away.