On the house

BORIS Johnson has been in the news again, firstly for agreeing with fellow Tory leader hopeful Michael Gove about the EU standing for “the elites vs the rest”, and secondly for breaking Commons rules by failing to declare a house in Somerset as a financial interest. As comedy writer James Felton interpreted it: “‘Remain are the elite,’ says man so filthy rich he forgot he owned a house.”

Milk shake-up

JAMES’S name also came up this week in coverage of a shock-horror story featuring a man who advocated putting water, rather than milk, on cereal. As the advice, by someone calling himself Dubitably Indubitable, was given on Twitter, reaction was not muted. “You disgust me,” responded one voice of reason. “I would rather be tortured,” said another.

Press coverage of the disturbing development linked it to a controversy the previous month when James said he drank milk mixed with Coke, and claimed this was a popular refreshment in Birmingham. Despite one reader claiming “Birmingham deserves better”, others said they drank limeade and milk as kids or of knowing people who mixed Ribena with milk. Any readers got weird potations to which they wish to confess publicly?

On a roll

FOREIGN toilets continued, and Christine Corson’s recent Diary pic of a Prague establishment’s loo roll notice prompts Inverkip reader Alison Masterson to recall a Dutch department store lavvy that handed patrons, as she recalls, “one single sheet from a normal sized roll”. Sounds like another bum deal.

Wild child

OUR story about saloon bar incidents in Ayrshire prompts Russell Smith in Kilbirnie to recall an oldie that will never stale (much) from the “really real Wild West”. Says Russell: “A Native American child asks her mother: ‘Why did you call my new wee sister Running Water?’ Maw replies: ‘The name is chosen from the first thing a new mother sees when she leaves the wigwam. Why are you asking, Two Dogs Humping?’”

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Slug man’s poop

“HUG a hoodie” was one thing, but now we’re told to “hug a slug”. The advice comes from horticultural author Matthew Appleby, who says that, as a vegan, he’d rather see plants wilt than kill one of the controversial, greenery-mangling molluscs.

Matthew also rails against fertilisers, such as bone, blood, horn and fish, but says “there’s no reason not to use nitrogen-rich human urine and composted human manure if it is from someone who eats a vegan diet”.

That lets The Diary out, I’m afraid. And online, alas, Matthew’s friends were advised that, if invited to a meal at his house based on his garden produce, they should ntake their own ham sandwiches (“Tell him it’s Quorn”).

Squiffy giftie

BUCKIE news, and Colin Griffin in Stirling reports: “While sitting in my van some time back at traffic lights in Wishaw, I glanced to my left where there was an off licence with the following advert in the window: ‘BUCKFAST £6.99. GIFT WRAPPED £7.99.’” Adds Colin sardonically: “Only in Lanarkshire.”