CONGRATULATIONS to Lewis Capaldi on being nominated for four Brit Awards... Though not everything is going the singer-songwriter’s way. His former girlfriend Paige Turley is a contestant on the new series of Love Island, which started last night. With the cameras constantly whirring on the reality show, we imagine Paige might "accidentally" drop a few salty revelations about her time with Lewis. Who knows what she’ll let slip? We don’t, that’s for sure. That hasn’t stopped the Diary having a few inspired guesses. This is what we’ve come up with so far… 1) Paige reveals that Lewis composes his songs while singing in the bath and using a handy loofah as a stand-in microphone. 2) Lewis’s legendary mussed-up, not fussed-up, hair isn’t actually created through neglect. Instead he pays a top hairdresser hundreds of pounds each week to tousle and tumble his locks to perfection. 3) Lewis isn’t genuinely related to Peter Capaldi, as he claims. In fact, he isn’t even a Capaldi. His real name is Lew McTavish.

Did we get any of the above right? Watch this space…

Independently verified

ON the train to Glasgow from Ayr on Saturday, reader Gordon Phillips was accompanied by several SNP supporters travelling to the independence rally. At one point the driver informed the merry band that because of a power problem at Johnstone station, arrival in Glasgow would be delayed. Due to the location of the problem the conspirators amongst the group worked out what was really going on… obviously Boris was responsible.

Wonky wet words

OUR discussion about fumbled phrases reminds reader Finlay Buchanan of his former boss. When a new initiative went awry he would say it went off like a damp squid. Finlay was tempted to remind him the phrase is "damp squib", but concluded that perhaps the man had previously endured a bad experience with a soggy cephalopod.

Monster mash

FORMER Doctor Who Sylvester McCoy will be chatting about his career in the Penny Cars Stadium, Airdrie, this Friday. We imagine some highfalutin types will be in attendance as the Dunoon-raised Doc has many illustrious fans. “I’ve met people who said ‘I became a scientist, or I became a doctor, because of you and Doctor Who',” Sylvester once revealed. He then added: “You think, ‘Wow! I was only trying to learn the lines and not bump into the monsters.’”

Running gag

WE interrupt today’s doze of Diary daftness to bring you some breaking news. We’re hearing reports that Norman Brown, from Barassie, has had his trainers and high-viz jacket stolen. A pure beelin’ Mr Brown has a message for the dastardly culprit of this heinous criminal act. “You can run, but you can’t hide,” he points out.

Water clever pen

WE are informed by Malcolm Boyd, from Milngavie, he has just bought a pen that can write underwater. “It can write other words too,” he adds.