A RECENT Herald mention of the late wrestler Andy Robin reminds Gordon Fisher, from Stewarton, of a chance meeting with the burly fellow when they were both travelling doon the watter on the CalMac ferry to the Highland Games.

Andy was there with his wife Maggie and his other constant companion, Hercules the Grizzly Bear.

A Glaswegian wag on board the ferry pointed and shouted, "Whoozzat Andy, izzat yer wife?"

When the wrestling champion answered in the affirmative the cheeky chap yelled back, "That's a helluva fur coat ye've bought her. Must have cost ye a fortune!"

Piddling panegyric

FUMBLED phrases continued. A client of accountant Murray Macadam was visiting the office recently when he happened to mention to Murray that his father-in-law had just died, and he’d been charged with doing the urology at the funeral.

Hopefully in the speech he delivered, this fellow didn’t take the p out of his wife’s deceased dad.

Bass human nature

A COUNCIL van with the message "Graffiti Removal Team" emblazoned across its side has been spotted by eagle-eyed reader Alasdair MacKenzie. Alasdair isn’t just an ace van-spotter. He also prides himself on being a keen student of human nature in all its cynical endeavours. Which leads him to conclude it surely must only be a matter of time before some local humourist decides to improve the signage on the van with the addition of the words… Ya Bass.

Food for thought

OUR report last week of a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year celebration leads Russell Smith, from Kilbirnie, to partake of some culinary speculation regarding the dining menu at this culturally diverse shindig. He assumes there would be cock-a-leekie with noodles for starters, followed by sweet and sour haggis and deep-fried shortbread for pudding. All of which sounds delicious, in a ditzy sort of way. But what to drink? “Chivas with green tea might be a taste worth acquiring,” says Russell.


CHINESE New Year Part The Second: Reader Bruce Strachan enjoyed the festivities by visiting a local Oriental restaurant with his family. After the meal, coffee and fortune cookies were served. Bruce’s wife cracked open her cookie and was pleased to be told that opportunity would soon knock. Bruce’s son and daughter were delighted with their cookie news, too. Long life for one; great wealth for the other. And Bruce himself? The message inside his fortune cookie informed him in mystical tones that he’d go on to eat many more fortune cookies. “I’m going to prove it wrong by going out for pizza from now on,” grumbles the bitterly disappointed recipient of this transcendental message.

Planetary punchline

WE end with a joke that’s bound to fall flat amongst readers who scoff at scientific learning. Justin Winterson asks what is a flat-earther’s greatest fear? The answer is, of course… sphere, itself.