Unfair stair

GETTING up and down stairs can be a struggle for those of advancing years. Luckily the stairlift was invented to make the enterprise a much smoother endeavour, and a lot less like bagging a particularly precipitous Munro.

However, reader David Herriot was surprised recently when he heard a radio advert for a certain well-known stairlift company proudly state: "We won't let you down." Our man was not impressed. After all, if a stairlift won’t let you down, how exactly is a person meant to make it from first to ground floor… by whizzing down the bannister?

Cold facts

IN response to a fridge-themed joke in yesterday’s Diary, Russell Smith from Kilbirnie provides us with another example of the genre: “Ah wouldnae say ma wife wis cold,” he says. “But when she opens her mooth, a light comes on.” So that’s two jokes of the fridge variety we’ve received, compared to a grand total of no jokes about every other type of kitchen appliance. Yet surely microwave ovens, coffee percolators and waffle irons could be equally hilarious, if only they were given the necessary coaxing and encouragement?

Booked out

OUR recent story about a librarian with a "novel" approach to the job reminds reader Gerry MacKenzie of a chap who, in a particularly dark period of his life, went to his local library to ask if they had anything on the subject of suicide. The librarian told him they no longer provided such reading material. Was this because it would be insensitive and foolhardy to provide access to books that could help people act in a self-destructive manner, asked the fellow. Not exactly, he was told.

“It was because the books were never returned,” explained the librarian.

Food for thought

FUMBLED phrases continued. A colleague of reader Derek Blakey once told him that he had been watching a TV documentary about the Second World War. Part of the programme was about the support Britain received from other countries. Derek’s colleague went on to say he was particularly impressed by the valiant effort of those brave gherkins. Though perhaps this bloke had a point. After all, during the Second World War, Britain needed to get itself out of a bit of a pickle…

Fantasy islander

SHETLAND poet Roseanne Watt says that her boyfriend recently pointed out that Roseanne’s birthday fell on a palindromic date this year. “Have a good feeling this could mean the awakening of some dormant magic powers,” she says. The Diary demands that the producers of the Marvel Universe should be notified of this exciting development immediately. After all, surely it’s high time those Hollywood folks made a blockbuster flick about a mighty Shetland superhero. (With poetic prowess, to boot.)

That's handy

DAFT joke time, courtesy of reader Rab Burton, who gets in touch to ask: “Where do pirates get their hooks?” The second hand store, of course.

Read more: “We want Cliff! We want Cliff!”