Ferry expensive

THERE’S a wise old saying. Never invest in a boat, it will sink you in the end. Actually, that’s not a wise old saying, just something we made up on the spur of the moment. Though it does seem to reflect the choppy-waters situation in Ferguson Marine, Port Glasgow, where delays and disputes building two Calmac ferries have seen costs spiral and the vessels’ launch date put back four years.

Luckily reader David Donaldson has offered his help. Not that he’ll be heading down to the docks with his tool box, ready to lend a hand. (No one on the Diary desk has a shipbuilding background, so we’re not sure what Donald would carry in his tool box for such work. Though Sellotape and Blu-Tack are always very handy.)

Instead, our man has decided to help name the boats. He suggests Costa Plenti, for instance. “Or we could go back to the old Glasgow Uni Charities slogan,” he says, “Philip McCann.”

Italian for beginners

ON the Football Daft podcast there’s an ongoing discussion regarding amusing comments made by fans during matches. One podcast listener recalls when Enrico Annoni played for Celtic, and he had just come off the bench. One fan was overheard to groan: “Aww naw, Annoni's oan a naw noo.”

News from abroad

HE’S a River City actor, a TV presenter and a comedy writer. Now it appears Sanjeev Kohli has acquired a new skill. He’s become a top newshound, reporting on stories from near and far. And here’s his latest exclusive… “Quentin Tarantino is stuck in Italy,” says Sanjeev, “and has decided to make his next film entirely in one isolated marquee in Tuscany.

“It’s called Tent in Quarantino.”

Nutty conversation

THE sister of reader David Cook was strolling round her local district when she was approached by a neighbour she knew only vaguely. This lady started relating her family news, included the startling admission that: “Jack hasn’t been the same since he had his balls off.”

There followed an awkward pause while David Cook’s sister tried desperately to come up with an appropriate response to such an intimate revelation.

Just as she had decided to commend her neighbour’s admirably frank approach to her husband’s testicular cancer, the neighbour added: “He’s getting better at walking…and he’s a lovely dog, really.”

Blocked up

AN elderly neighbour was talking to reader Angela Simms about the coronavirus when she admitted that she was rather confused by many people’s rather irrational response to the outbreak. "I can’t understand why all these folk are buying so many toilet rolls and self-insulating," she said.

Spiced up marriage

“I SWITCHED the labels on all my wife’s spices,” says reader Joe Portis. “I'm not in trouble yet,” he adds with a twinkle in his eye, “but the thyme is cumin.”

Read more: Herald Diary: Below the belt