Golly gosh, dosh gone

“I wanted to do some last minute panic buying,” explains David McCourt from Motherwell, who adds: “Then I checked my bank balance. Now all I do is panic.”

The right steps

THE five-year-old grandson of reader Jonathan Arnold wants to be a basketball player when he’s older. “You might not be tall enough,” warned granddad, who then offered some encouragement. “You could always take a tall stool on court to help you score,” he said.

“Don’t be silly, granddad, I’d fall off,” answered the little chap, adding: “I’d be better taking a stepladder.”

Mousetaken identity

A DAFT but delightful joke from John Maidment of Carnoustie. “A mouse went into a music shop,” he tells us. "I want to buy a mouse organ," said the mouse. The salesman wasn’t impressed. "Get out," he barked, "you were in here earlier, asking the same question."

To which the mouse replied: "That wasn't me. That was our Monica."

Art attack

UNUSUAL things to do with porridge, Number 1: (We don’t expect a number 2, though you never know.) Looking after her toddler, Beverley Graham from Cumbernauld had run out of plasticine, crayons, glue and all the other lovely things youngsters make a mess with. With gleeful help from her young daughter, she proceeded to mix water with oats and smear it on paper. The results, she says, were masterful, if not quite Old Masterful. “Does this mean my daughter and I are now members of the avant-garde?” asks our creative correspondent. “If so, we must start wearing matching berets.”

Woolly jumper

STRUGGLING to get to sleep, Jean Wilton tried counting sheep leaping over a fence. It didn’t work, as all that wild wool a-leaping made her dizzy. “Try counting elephants,” suggests her hubby. “They’re a lot slower when it comes to jumping over fences.”

Niffy little number

READER Colin Branchford received a bottle of aftershave from his wife for his birthday. He took one wary whiff of the potion then grimaced. “It smells like sweat,” he grumbled to the missus. “That was expensive aftershave,” she snapped back. “So it must be Brad Pitt’s sweat you’re smelling.”

Double trouble

OUR story about a sport fan’s confused complaint to a referee reminds Kenny Hardie from Stewarton of a friend who persists in using double negatives and often says: “Ah’m no under any false illusions.”

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