GLASGOW’S first live-audience sporting event since lockdown will be a September darts competition. Richard Tucker thinks it’s an excellent idea. “What better way to kickstart our struggling food and beverage industry than by having those magnificent athletes waddling round the city centre,” he says. “Let’s keep the economic boom going the week after by hosting sumo wrestling at the Hydro.”

Handle with care

IN order to enter train stations, restaurants and coffee shops, reader Bob Gardner is constantly asked to use the alcoholic hand rub provided in such places. “If this goes on much longer, my mitts will have to go into rehab,” sighs Bob. “Here’s hoping the Priory has a vacancy.”

Cutting comment

BORIS Johnson is stuffing the House of Lords with cronies. Presumably his hairdresser isn’t amongst those being anointed, says reader Scott Harris: “If Boris has any sense he’ll send him to the Tower, instead.”

Magical transformation

AND while we’re on the subject… Glasgow hairdresser Danny Smith snips local homeless gents’ locks to spruce them up. One elderly chap asked Danny to lop off his long beard. Once the deed was done, the elderly chap said with a grin: “That’s better, son. I was startin’ tae look like one o’ they wizard fellas. I was a wee bit worried people were gonnae start callin’ me Jakey Rowling.”

Purdon not pardoned

RIVER city star Stephen Purdon has revived his social life. “First day at the pub with the boys yesterday for a very, very long time,” he says, adding: “First day in the doghouse today for a very, very long time. Normal service resumed…”

Gothic romance

Dodgy dates continued. Reader Catriona Weller had a colleague who courted a string of suitors. One likely lad took the lass for a romantic stroll in Glasgow’s Necropolis. Which is, of course, a majestic historical landscape. Though it can also be described as a big, creepy graveyard. At one point, when the couple were surrounded by tombstones, the likely lad lunged in for a crafty snog. “Hud yer horses, sunshine,” said the intended snogee. “It’s the Necropolis, we’re in. No’ the neckin’ cropolis.”

National debate

WE recently devised an alternative acronym for those popular letters SNP, which are now even smeared across face masks. Russell Smith, from Kilbirnie, has his own idea what they stand for. “Salmond’s Not Perfect,” he suggests.

Late starters

USEFUL career advice from reader Hilary McGechie: “If you’re depressed about how little you’ve achieved up to now,” she says, “remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50. And Dracula didn’t munch necks until he was dead.”