Green for

GLASGOW based comic-book writer and Hollywood mover-and-shaker Mark Millar is in talks with Albion Rovers and promises exciting news about his favourite footy club soon.

Readers of the Diary are used to our exclusives so won’t be surprised that we’ve already rumbled Mark’s top secret plan.

Using his movie-making contacts he’s procured the services of Avengers super-grump the Hulk to play in goal for Rovers.

(He doesn’t save many. But, boy, we wouldn’t advise blasting one past him.)

Not so brave

WITH the BBC stripping Land of Hope and Glory and Rule Britannia of their lyrics during Last Night of the Proms it can only be a matter of time until the Warriors of Woke come gunning for other jaunty jingoistic jingles.

Reader Bill Staples believes Scotland the Brave should immediately be adapted into something less bombastic, starting with the title. He suggests it should now be called: Scotland the Cowering Behind the Sofa Until Things Calm Down a Bit.

A rousing battle cry if ever there was one.

Past prime

RUMOURS abound that our glorious Prime Minister will step down in six months. Reader Scott Griffith says: “Boris Johnson in charge then Boris Johnson not in charge. Such a dramatic change in governance is almost immeasurable.

“Though it’s probably best described as the difference between one Jedward member and another.”

Teutonic task

A WISHAW reader visited a local hairdresser for a long overdue snipping. Inside the shop was a large handwritten poster stating that everyone was required to "Zanitise Hans". Though willing to help in this endeavour, our reader couldn’t find anyone present wearing lederhosen.

So if he ever does turn up, Hans will have to zanitise himself.

Chilling tale

ALEXANDRA, the young granddaughter of reader Gordon Hart, is an observant wee thing. Returning from school she informed granddad she had spotted a funeral car with a dead chap in the back.

“Really, what was he doing?” asked a curious granddad.

“Oh, he was just chillin’,” explained Alexandra.

What a performance

MORE phrases that can be used in the theatre and the boudoir. Alastair Patrick from Paisley suggests: “I think you may have missed your entrance.”

Teen time

MULLING over the future, reader Sue Holloway predicts there will be a baby boom nine months from now: “So in the year 2033 we’ll have to deal with the quaranteens.”

Home time

DAFT gag time. Reader Hugh Peebles wonders if we know what you call a Scotsman with one foot inside his hoose and one foot outside.

Hame-ish, of course.

Read more: Those were the days