Pen pals

THE actor Andy Gray, who has sadly died, could always grab a giggle from an audience and those he worked with. Fellow performer Iain Johnstone once starred alongside Andy in what he describes as “one of the worst shows ever to have disgraced the Scottish stage".

He realised he had a chum in the cast during the first day’s read-through when he became aware of Andy’s pen repeatedly tapping the table in the following pattern. Dot, dot, dot. Dash, dash, dash. Dot, dot, dot.

It was an SOS.

Iain looked Andy in the eye and lifted his own pen...

That sinking feeling

LEITH is now such a salubrious part of Edinburgh that the residents actually use words like salubrious. The following story illustrates its regal nature.

Plumbers were called to a flat in the area where the kitchen sink was blocked. Had the owners poured hot chip fat down the drain? Au contraire.

The man of the house, who adores his Lapsang Souchong, had been unable to get his usual supply in tea bag form, so switched to the loose leaf variety.

"And that's the problem," explained the plumber, who discovered he'd been putting the used leaves down the sink. Leaf tea, it transpires, is one of the most common causes of sink blockage. And Lapsang Souchong has exceedingly big leaves.

Do Tetley devotees struggle with this issue? We think not.

Seeing red

ANOTHER story of waiting staff whose finesse did not impress. Reader Russell Duncan was once having dinner in a Stewarton hotel. When he asked the waitress for his steak to be cooked very rare she scrunched up her face and said: “Oooh. All that blood. Disgusting!”

Food for thought

FRIENDS of reader Moyna Gardner once tried a vegetarian diet. They later informed her: “It’s not that the bottom falls out of your world. It’s the other way round.”

Ropey ruling

READER Russell Smith from Largs is devising simpler phrases to replace obtuse legal terminology. He suggests:

Not Guilty = Go home and don’t do it again.

(Hmmm. We’re not sure that’s the most accurate of translations.)

Brought to book

EDINBURGH University and the organisers of the city’s book festival have started an online course called How to Read a Novel.

We always thought that wasn’t such a difficult task. You open the book and start flipping pages. (Not forgetting to occasionally glance at the pages as you do so.)

No joke

“MY friend and I always laugh about how competitive we both are,” says reader Cameron Burton. “But I laugh more.”

Read more: Remember when ...