The hole truth

YEARS ago reader Martin Garfield worked at a gym famous for training Scottish boxers. He recalls two lumpy lads getting in the ring to have a practice punch-up.

One lumpy lad walloped the other square in the face, causing the victim’s nose to gush with blood.

“Yuv broken ma nostril,” howled this poor chap.

To which the other combatant responded incredulously: “Ye cannae break a nostril, ya numpty. It’s a hole. Like the stuff in the middle of a donut.”

“With conversation like that,” says Martin, “I fully understood why they preferred to knock lumps out of each other.”

Mystifying mariner

THE Diary has been all at sea recently, with tales of seafaring old salts. Which reminds comedian Andy Cameron of his Uncle Joe, who was married to his father’s sister.

This mysterious chap was in the navy, yet somehow managed to make it home every weekend.

“My grandfather referred to him as ‘the dry land sailor’,” chuckles Andy.

Pull the other one

CONFUSED reader Brian Hall was browsing in a supermarket when he noticed a new variety of those popular crisps in a tube called Pringles, which was labelled ‘Pulled Pork Burger’.

“Since when did ‘pulling’ become a flavour?” enquires Brian, who adds: “When I played tug-of-war as a kid, I don’t remember the pastime having a distinctive taste.”

Fame’s not fun

ANOTHER tale of a flighty fellow. On his retirement, Russell Smith from Largs was ‘treated’ to a jaunt in a two-seater plane.

Rather disconcertingly, the pilot turned out to be older than his passenger. After this doddery chap had been

assisted into the cockpit, and the plane was in mid-flight, Russell tentatively enquired what would happen if he became unwell at the controls.

“You’d get your name in the papers,” was the matter-of-fact response.

Puzzling palaeontology

SCOTTISH education remains unrivalled, argues reader Mary Fraser, who informed her teenage niece that she was seeing a chiropractor.

“Isn’t that some kind of dinosaur?” enquired the niece.

Rounded performance

THE casting process for actors is more open-minded than before, which encouraged one of our readers to suggest that if ‘The Alex Salmond Story’ is given the blockbuster movie treatment, Meryl Streep could play the heck out of Eck.

David Donaldson disagrees. “In my humble opinion Miriam Margolyes would be a far better choice,” he says. “For a start, she's the right shape.”

Maudlin music

WHEN reader Geoff Gordon slips his mortal coil, he wants to be buried with his record collection. “It’ll be my vinyl resting place,” he says.