ONE of the difficulties faced by Scotland’s football team at the Euros was a lack of goals. Only one shot hit the back of the net in three games.

Reader Bob Davies says: “We need to find someone who doesn’t have any problems scoring. I wonder if the SFA have checked if Matt Hancock has Scottish ancestry?”

(That’s the only joke we’ll be making about poor Mr Hancock, today. True, he refused to follow the rules he dictated to the rest of the country. But he’s going through a rough time right now. So let’s not kick a chap when he’s down.)


THE 50th anniversary of the opening of the Erskine Bridge reminds John McMenemy from Milngavie of the time an oil rig collided with the road deck in 1996. John happened to be travelling over the bridge a short while after the incident. Naturally he was filled with trepidation.

John’s father, who was driving, attempted to alleviate his son’s fears by reminding him that if anything did go wrong, there was an aunt in Old Kilpatrick (directly below the bridge) who was always saying: "Drop in anytime."

Rubbing it in

WITH an ear to the ground in Westminster, reader Lindsay Young tell us of an unsubstantiated rumour that Matt Hancock was not actually kissing his colleague. He was merely using his tongue to show where to swab for a Covid test.

(Okay, that was a wee bit sneaky. We promised to leave Mr Hancock alone for the rest of today’s column, though it seems we don’t practice what we preach. Now who does that remind us of?)

Queenly comment

A DIARY entry about witty newspaper headlines reminds Gordon Fisher from Stewarton of a story that ran in the Ulster Gazette about a railway consultation exercise.

The headline was: “Over £100million? Is this the rail price? Is this just fantasy? Caught up in land buys. No escape from bureaucracy.” 

Cutting a rug

MORE hot gossip. This time from reader David Donaldson, who says: “The question on everyone's lips: Did Boris really back him, or was Matt carpeted?”

(There we go again. We just can’t help ourselves. Now who does that remind us of?)

Tree-mendously efficient

“IT takes about five years for a walnut tree to produce nuts,” says Sid Leslie from Kirkintilloch, who adds: “In my experience, a family tree is much more efficient in this area.”

De-escalating tension

A MEDICAL malady: Reader Pete Watson says: “I’m taking steps to deal with my escalator phobia.”