Failure is fun
LIONEL Messi is arguably the greatest non-Scotsman to ever kick a football. Some controversialists even claim he is the greatest sportsman – from anywhere – to ever kick a football. Whichever theory is true, it’s clear that Lionel ain’t too shabby.
Unlike the chaps who play for Brazilian side Ibis Sport Club, who may be the worst team in the world, having bagged a spot in the Guinness Book of Records for going nearly four years without a win.
This hasn’t stopped them offering Messi a contract, on condition that he admits Pele is better than Maradona.
Messi hasn’t responded yet, though the Diary advises him to sign immediately.
For as the following classic tales from our archives prove, life is more entertaining when you’re hanging out with the misfits, the madcaps and the muck-up merchants.
Stool pigeon/dog
A GREENOCK chap with a criminal record was being interviewed by police after CCTV pictures suggested he had been involved in a robbery. He was denying even owning the distinctive hat worn by the robber when his dog trotted into the room carrying what looked very like the hat in question.
“Look at that,” said one of the cops. “Even yer dog has grassed you up.”
Woolly wonder
IGNORING the fact that her husband wasn’t keen on cats, a reader brought home a kitten for the family.
As hubby sat reading the newspaper, she flicked a piece of paper on the floor for the kitten to chase, and then happily declared: “We should get him a ball of wool.”
“What, can he knit as well?” muttered the bored voice from behind the paper.
Brought to book
THE rain was lashing down in Glasgow one day, with people running pell-mell through the pitter-patter in an attempt to avoid getting drenched.
Two chaps of the ned variety ran into the Argyle Street branch of booksellers Waterstone’s, stopped in their tracks, and looked around.
One then declared: “Awe, naw. It’s a bookshop,” then the two gents raced back into the rain.
Cool customer
A READER found himself in a late-night taxi queue in Glasgow city centre. A tipsy young lady, standing close by, said to her pal: “Is it getting cooler, or am I wearing less clothes than when I came out this evening?”
Gym slip
AN EDINBURGH reader was in a coffee shop when a young woman, sitting with friends, suddenly allowed her face to crumble as she said to them: “Oh no! I forgot to update my Facebook status saying I was at the gym. What a waste of a workout.”
Modern romance
A READER was at a court case involving an affray in a Greenock restaurant. A diner, who appeared as a witness, was asked by the fiscal: “Were you there on a date?”
“No,” replied the chap. “I was with my wife.”
Glossing over it
WE recall the occasion when the Queen had a brief bout of ill health. A reader remarked: “It must be strange for the Queen to be in a hospital that doesn’t smell of fresh paint.”
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