Jaws of despair
OUR readers may recall from schooldays those sad occasions when a child in class would receive terrible news relating to family matters.
A female friend of Russell Smith told him of one such incident. She was in primary school at the time, and one of her chums was summoned to the headmaster’s office to discuss events at home.
On the little girl’s return, her teacher anxiously inquired if everything was okay.
“Aye,” said the youngster. “A’ wis playin’ wi’ ma mammy’s teeth last night, an’ she wis wonderin’ where a’ had pit them.”
Tipsy toppler
A MENTION in The Herald of Jack Radcliffe reminds reader Ian Hutcheson of a story he heard the Lanarkshire comedian tell at the Alhambra theatre involving a drunk chap staggering home on a Friday night. A mis-step on dismounting a pavement brought the boozer tumbling down heavily on his rear. Rising gingerly to his feet, he felt something trickling down the back of his leg from his hip. The sensation brought a prayer to his lips.
“I hope to God it’s blood,” he said.
Mind your language
WRITER Deedee Cuddihy was chatting with a young shop assistant in a Byres Road shop. At one point in the conversation Deedee said: "Well, you know what they say: A change is as good as a rest."
The shop assistant seemed puzzled, so Deedee repeated herself.
"What?" said the befuddled clerk. “A change is as good as arrest?"
It transpired that, being a mere whippersnapper, the shop assistant had never previously heard the well-known expression from yesteryear. Though clearly he knew what "arrest" meant.
Such are the ways of Glasgow youth.
Sound judgment
“IF you can't hear a pin drop,” says reader Scott Wright, “something is clearly wrong with your bowling.”
Show trial
ANOTHER tale of a newspaper headline with a muddled message. The father of Christopher Ide from East Renfrewshire was a compositor on a local newspaper in England.
One headline he recalled, combining the legal and the leggy, was "Magistrates to Act on Indecent Shows".
Glesga gal gurns
ON social media the actress Tori Allen-Martin admits she’s been suffering. “I have a hangover the size of a tsunami. When will I ever learn?” she groans, adding: “I am a proud Glaswegian until I’m in Glasgow, and then I must remember that I have been watered down by London.”
Sea change
THOUGHT for the day from reader Kenny Carnell, who says: “How much deeper would the oceans of the world be if it wasn’t for all the sponges?”
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