Going for gold

THE Tokyo Olympics have arrived, at long last. The fun and games were meant to commence last year, of course. Though the world was preoccupied with certain other pressing matters, so didn’t have time for elite level beanbag races plus highly competitive games of tig and hide-and-seek. (Which is what we assume takes place at the Olympics, having never scrutinised the myriad of events in any great detail.)

We truly hope that the spiffing sporting extravaganza proves to be a triumphant celebration of the human will to never give in… to win… to grab glory… and gold! Though if that doesn’t work out we recommend stomping off home in a huff, like an outraged girl or boy who fails to bag a rosette at the school sports day.

Regular Diary readers will know that there are no losers, only winners, in this column. As the following classic tales from our archives underline, the characters featured in our tales (almost) always come up trumps, no matter the indignities heaped upon them.

Face facts

ONE of our more acerbic readers used to tease a workmate about all the wee wrinkles on her face. “They’re not wrinkles,” she said. “They’re laughter lines.”

After a moment’s scrutiny of the lines in question, our reader said: “Nothing’s that funny.”

Tory’s tall tale

WE recall the occasion when Tory MP Sir Tony Baldry crashed his Mercedes into a portable toilet and then hit a Poundland shop in Banbury, Oxfordshire.

“Totally unbelievable,” concluded one of our readers. “A Poundland in Oxfordshire?”

Food for thought

AMERICAN comedian Scott Capurro gave an outsider’s view on our nation while appearing at The Stand during the Glasgow Comedy Festival. “Scotland has all this oil,” he pointed out. “And all you want to do with it is deep fry everything.”

Antisocial media

POPE Benedict’s resignation came only weeks after he had opened an account on Twitter. As one businessman told us at the time: “The Pope is not the first person to lose interest in their real job as soon as they get obsessed with Twitter.”

Bottle v book

A GROUP of women were discussing various ways of self-improvement in a Glasgow coffee shop when one of them declared: “I go to a book club with the girls after work on Friday. So far we’ve only read wine labels, but it’s a start.”

Heartful Dodger

A NURSE at Glasgow’s Southern General told us she was explaining to a recovering heart patient that his future health regime should include activity three times a week to get his heart beating faster.

“Like shoplifting?” he asked.

What a downer

THE Duke of York once abseiled down London’s Shard skyscraper building for charity. Many readers wondered if when he was only halfway up, he felt he was neither up nor down.

Rock on

WE conclude today’s shenanigans with a rather daft gag that was once inflicted on us by a reader: “Why do vegetarians prefer eating rocks from Warth rather than rocks from the Moon? Because Moon rock is a little meteor.”

Read more: Child-like ... or dislike?