Healthy living

IT has been reported that Boris Johnson is to launch a programme where the Government tracks what people eat and how much exercise they do. If people can prove they are maintaining an active lifestyle and eating healthily they will get discounts and free goodies. Reader Becky Paulson says: “Sounds fine to me, as long as the free goodies include chocolate bars and Pringles.”

Free for all?

A DIARY tale about an inappropriate song played on the radio reminds Stevie Campbell of the time his pal was driving in his car enjoying the summer weather. He put his foot down as the radio blasted out Michael McDonald's song Sweet Freedom.

At that precise moment he was blue-lighted by the traffic police and escorted to a nearby cop shop to receive a few harsh words, some penalty points and a reminder of the statutory limitations on freedom, sweet or otherwise.

Worldly fellow

RELAXING in the pub, reader Dave Marshall overheard an elderly chap giving advice to a younger man who was complaining that he was fed up with his life.

“Get yersel’ a nice wee lassie,” suggested the elderly chap.

The youngster rolled his eyeballs.

“Okay, then buy us another round,” continued the elderly chap.

The youngster shook his head disconsolately.

“Well, that’s me all out o’ advice,” concluded the elderly chap. “You’ll have to find yer own way frae now on in this cruel, harsh world.”

Pedal power

A DEEP and profound thought from reader Edward Lowther, who says: “A crocodile can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a crocodile. So in the Olympic triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.”

Bullseye guy

TORY grandee Michael Heseltine has a bust of Lenin in the grounds of his house. Reader David Donaldson, who recently read about this unusual iteration of a garden gnome, is curious to know if other public figures have equally quirky ornamentation nestled amongst their hydrangeas. “Would Nicola opt for Wee Eck or lanky Dewar?” wonders David.

The Diary imagines, perhaps unfairly, that the only image of Wee Eck that our glorious leader might have in her possession would be a photo pinned to the centre of her favourite dartboard.

Successful solution

SOME useful advice from reader Gavin Blake, who says: “If at first you don’t succeed, try drinking beer while you’re doing it. You’ll be amazed at how much less you care.”

Dry humour

“I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes,” says reader Jim Hamilton. “It’s all about raisin awareness.”

Read more: Getting wind of a new danger