Leisurely reminder

YOU get some wonderful bargains these days. Reader Eric Simmons renewed his Discount Card with Edinburgh Leisure and then received an email stating: "Your Discount Card will expire on 27 Oct 2104. We will send you a reminder shortly before your Discount Card is due to expire."

Eric is looking forward to receiving this reminder, though he admits he’ll have to take care of himself if he wants to read it in good health.

He’ll be 168 years old when it arrives.

Impish inference

ANOTHER tale from the schoolyard, where we discover that our wise educators are very astute at making logical deductions.

A fellow teacher once told Brian Logan from Langside that he was going to the Virgin Islands for his summer holidays. When Brian asked why, he replied that he had gone to the Canary Islands the year before and never saw a canary.

Oh, no… BoJo

WE continue with our series of miniature plays which bravely tackle hard-hitting topics. Reader Barry Munro has written a tragedy which examines how a once proud nation was brought to its knees.

Curtain up…

Dominic Cummings: That’s the votes all in, boss. Looks like you won the election.

Boris Johnson: By Jove – goody-goody gumdrops!

Colourful request

WE’RE discussing occasions that were undermined by inappropriate musical accompaniment. Bob Jamieson recalls a BBC radio programme where a lady requested a record to be played for her father’s 90th birthday. She mentioned that he was in good health and always cheerful, even though he had been blind since birth.

The DJ wished him a happy birthday then played ‘What a Wonderful World’ by Louis Armstrong.

The opening lines of the famous song are, of course: ‘’I see trees of green, red roses too…’’

Fishing for compliments

A READER tells us of a speed-dating experience he once had.

"Have you got any pets?" a young woman asked him.

"Yes,” he replied. “A goldfish."

"Any hobbies?" said the woman.

“Well," said our reader, “he does enjoy swimming…"


A FRIEND of Russell Smith from Largs worked Monday to Friday away from home and would proudly proclaim: “During the week my body’s a temple, but at the weekend it’s a playground.”

The Diary heartily concurs with this sentiment, though we feel duty bound to add that the playground most chaps’ bodies resemble is one of those dilapidated parks where the swings are all rusty and the rickety seesaw refuses to bounce up and down any more.

Picture (not) perfect

GRUMPY reader Martin Bonne says: “Words can’t express how much I hate Emoji Day.”