WE recently mentioned that Tory grandee Michael Heseltine has a bust of Lenin in his back garden. Retired Ayrshire Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe visited Lord Heseltine’s grandiose gaff and stood next to the huge and imposing socialist statue, and he tells us it cost £160 to install.

So much for Tories and their belt-tightening policies. Though perhaps such policies don’t count when it comes to planting next to the begonias excessively large garden gnomes of a revolutionary ilk.


A DIARY tale about luggage reminds David Miller, from Milngavie, of the occasion when golfer Lee Trevino checked in at Orlando International Airport for a flight to New York.

"I want you to send my clubs via Sydney, Tokyo and Chicago," explained Trevino.

"Oh, we can't do that," said the airport official.

“Really?” replied Trevino. “Well, you did it last month.”

Killer Queen

WE’RE discussing occasions that were undermined by inappropriate musical accompaniment. Reader Hugh Lamont was standing at the starting line of the Great North Run, listening to local radio presenter Alan Robson read out dedications from the athletes, which were in memory of loved ones who had passed away. Unfortunately the first record played after this slot was the Queen anthem Another One Bites The Dust.

Info overload

THOUGHT for the day from reader Jenny Phillips, who says: “Why does someone believe you when you explain that human beings are descended from monkeys but they have to check when you say to them, ‘Hey, watch out. That paint is wet.’”

Fit of fits

A STORY about a bus driver’s inscrutable brogue reminds reader Gordon Fisher of the surely apocryphal tale of the Aberdeen quine out shopping for a new pair of stylish stilettos. Upon being presented with a pair to try on she asked, "Fit fit fits fit fit?"

Triumphantly torpid

CHATTY Malcolm Boyd, from Milngavie, was asking a neighbour if he had started to exercise more during the pandemic.

With a sluggish shrug the fellow replied: “I haven’t exercised since electric windows were fitted in cars.”

Jog on

WELL-INFORMED Charles Bissett tells us researchers have discovered that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog. Our reader adds: “So nowadays I sit in the park laughing at all the joggers.”

Picture this

A COMMENT about emojis in the Diary inspires a Stewarton reader to tell us he never uses the little grammatical icons himself: “Unless, of course, it’s an emojincy.”