Lock finds key

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of Sean Lock. The English comedian toured Scotland many times and once revealed how a Dundee gig resulted in a moment of glorious triumph in a boozer.

Before a show at the city’s Caird Hall in 2016 he visited a local museum and learned about the area, which he later put to good use.

“There was a pub quiz I took part in with some friends,” Sean recalled, “and there was a question about Dundee. I didn’t really listen to the question but I told my mate to write down jute… and it ended up being right.”

Pye’s the limit

AUTHOR Kathleen Jamie has been appointed as Scotland's new national poet, or Makar as it’s called in these parts.

Stevie Campbell from Hamilton wonders if there’s any truth to the rumour that the runner-up for the position was a chap called Owen Pye.

Stevie says he heard that the panel eventually decided that it just didn't have the stomach for Makar Ownie Pye.

Birdbrained decision

A DIARY yarn about the adventures of a feathered creature of the sky reminds Russell Smith from Largs of the tale of the homing pigeon that was late back.

“It was such a nice day he decided to walk,” says Russell.

Chickpea chit-cat

DO we detect a note of despondency in the words of Glasgow SNP councillor, Mhairi Hunter, who recently visited the Co-op in Shawlands. “All is changed, changed utterly,” she sighs, adding, “If you want to see hordes of people wandering round in complete bewilderment you should pay a visit.”

How dreadful is the carnage, you may wonder.

Brace yourself, gentle reader, for Mhairi reveals: “The hummus is in a different place.”

Train of thought

ON social media the joys of the Glasgow Subway are celebrated. “Part of the appeal is feeling like you’re rattling around in an old Lucozade bottle at the bottom of a bin,” enthuses one devotee.

Grave humour

A HEART-WARMING tale about the joys of friendship. Reader Gordon McRae tells us of two old pals who were enjoying a modest libation in a hostelry.

One turned to the other and said: “After I'm dead and they’re putting my coffin in the grave, will you pour a bottle of whisky over it?”

“No problem,” said his chum, “but do you mind if it passes through my kidneys first?”

Boozy badinage

“I WENT to a pub called The Light Brigade,” says reader Callum Shaw. “They certainly know how to charge.”