Fringe benefits

THE 16-year-old son of reader Susan Roche had Friday and Monday off school, though he was meant to use the time to prepare for some fast-approaching tests. Yesterday this led to the following conversation between mum and incalcitrant youth.

Mum: Did you do any work today?

Incalcitrant youth: Yeah. Haircut.

Mum: Getting a haircut’s not work.

Incalcitrant youth: It so totally is. My fringe is gone. Now I’ll be able to see my test papers.

I spy…

WITH all the hullaballoo surrounding the new James Bond flick, reader Eddy Cavin has decided to predict the TV, print and radio headlines we’ll be pummelled with in the days ahead…

1) Bond is Back! (Note that exclamation mark. No other chap warrants as many exclamation marks as James B.)

2) Who Was The Best Bond? (George Lazenby, no doubt about it.)

3) Bond Girls… Then And Now. Marvel as women who were in their twenties some 50 years ago now (gasp!) look older.

Net gains

DECIDING to teach his grandson about the wonders of literature, reader Ralph Johnston took the little chap to the local library.

Once there, they got talking to the head librarian, who explained the function of the venerable institution she presided over.

To Ralph’s grandson, she said: “Just think of us as a 3D version of the internet, minus the cute cat photos.”

Ten minus one

A TALE of sin and redemption from reader Gordon Casely. Sandy and Jock emerge from the Kirk, where the meenister has delivered a real hellfire and damnation sermon on the Ten Commandments.

The pair trudge along in silence, until Sandy finally confesses: “Weel, Jock, at least I’ve nivvir made a graven image.”

Bobble babble

READER Pam Jones's husband told her about an article he read in a science magazine, which revealed that boffins are close to discovering a way to bring woolly mammoths back from extinction.

Hubby said to Pam: “I wonder if they’ll be farmed like sheep?”

He added with a delighted grin: “Now I know what I want from you for Christmas. A woolly mammoth bobble hat with matching mittens.”

The big cheese

BOASTFUL River City star Sanjeev Kohli says: “I’ve just bought a block of Cathedral cheese SO big that my fridge has been given city status.”

Plane sailing?

THOUGHT for the day from reader Henry Franklin: “You’re not allowed to smile in passport photos because they want you to look the same as if you were standing in line at customs for an hour.”

Read more: The Neverending Story or The Everlasting Book? You decide