Free for all?

BUSINESSMAN Iain McDermid owns a licensed convenience store where an elderly lady recently brought a large selection of goods to the checkout.

The items were scanned and the total amount of cash due was requested by the assistant manning the till.

This turn of events greatly perturbed the customer, who said: “But all these items are from the free section.”

Returning to the aisle which held the items, the old lady triumphantly pointed to a sign, then said: “See? It says alcohol free.”

Cutler’s cutting comment

ON social media some arty types have been discussing the late, great Glasgow poet, musician and eccentric Ivor Cutler. Theatre director Neil Murray recalls a Glasgow Green gig that Cutler performed in the 1990s.

It was a scorching July day, yet Ivor had a three-bar electric fire switched on backstage.

“And he stopped the show to berate a woman who took a Polaroid flash shot,” recalls Neil. “He apologised, then said, ‘but it was very rude!’”

Animalistic activity

A PHILOSOPHICAL thought from reader Tony Caldwell, who says: “Most working professionals would understandably get in a great deal of trouble if they hugged their clients without permission, or decided to kill them. Yet for some reason vets get away with it all the time.”

Sound idea

A RECENT Herald article reported that Knox Academy in East Lothian is reducing the number of times the school bell rings to create a quieter, calmer atmosphere.

An intrigued Iain Mills from Largs wonders if the real reason the action was taken was because the headteacher is eager to win a No Bell, Peace Prize.

Hard to swallow

ANOTHER of our tales about those teenage geniuses who in a few short years will be taking charge of our world. Reader Heather Lees tells us that her daughter returned from school and informed mum that she had failed tests in History, Maths and English. Rather surprisingly, the youngster proceeded to say that it had been “the best day ever”.

Mum wondered how this could possibly be.

“I had a Big Mac for lunch,” sighed the happy youth.

Vampish vehicle

WE continue devising names to be emblazoned across the side of vans. Reader Norman Lawson says: “Should a vehicle carrying cosmetics be labelled ‘Van…ity’?”

Throwing shade

ENTREPRENEURIAL reader Hannah Philips tells us that she is planning on opening a shadow puppet theatre. “I’ve worked on a business plan and have calculated that I’ll make a fortune,” says Hannah, who adds: “Of course, these are just projected figures.”